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duct tape godess's picture

i dont know how to come out to my mom
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she hates gay/lesbians ppl
i dont know how to tell her
im scard
but it hurts so much to keep it in

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

It's hard to tell what the reaction will be, honestly.

There are people who have parents that seem to hate gays, but then immediately get protective and supportive of their own kid, and work through their past feelings. Plus, a lot of "hates gay people" is conceptual, about a mysterious other she may not deal with regularly, which changes when it is her own kid.

There are also very liberal people who have gay friends and such who get freaked out that their own kid is gay.

So, there's no real way to know what will happen.

I wouldn't spend much time creating any elaborate way to get on the topic of sexuality so you can tell her. It's a lot of wasted effort. If you think it's going to be a surprise to her, and possibly a negative one at that, then you should just sort of bluntly address it. You're not going to get any extra points for deftly weaving it into the conversation and she's not going to remember much of what you said before it anyway.

The important thing is that how you tell her affects her reaction. Read that again. If you say you're gay the same way you'd tell someone you have stage-3 cancer, she will react the same way.

You're not asking for her permission or her guidance here. You are informing her of something, so don't soften it by using any language that indicates you're not quite sure. A lot of people complain their parents think it's a phase... after they come out using a lot of "I think..." and other softening language that only gives parents needless optimism that you're not sure. So, if you're sure, say so.

For a while, you're switching roles here. You're in the closet now, wanting to come out. When you tell her, she'll need her "closet" time to sort through this. So, don't expect everything to go amazingly. You had your time to think and now it's hers. She may ask dumb questions, say stupid things, but just consider that part of her process and don't inflame the situation by turning things into arguments when you could just avoid it by reaffirming that you love her and you're certain you're gay.

Also, keep in mind, you're telling her your truth to improve and strengthen your relationship. You are telling her the truth of your being. If she turns away from that truth, she is stepping away from the relationship. You are not pushing her away. A lot of people blame themselves when things go wrong, but if the truth pushes her away, then she is making that decision. You could have delayed that reaction by not telling her, but there's no benefit to sustaining a relationship through lying about the content of your character. And, again, give her time.

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