Giving Up

scandalboy's picture

i had a crush on a boy. My first real crush since A and I broke up three months ago. He is so sweet, and funny and cute. I'm the assistant director for my former school's production of Grease, and he is playing Danny, and he's so talented! In a way, I feel like I passed the torch to him - I had the lead last year, and now he does. So since I've been at rehearsals, I started to see how great he was, and I got a bit of a crush on him. Btw I've known these kids for ages, so we're like a family. Anyhoo, this boy, J, is bisexual. And I was the first person he came out to last year, basically because I was in the process of coming out at the time, and he needed a bit of support.

Back to this year: he and I have become ever closer. I talked to his best friend about it and he promised he'd do a bit of subtle nosing around to gauge how J feels about me, coded Mission J. Well I got a message last night that Mission J wasn't looking too good.

I knew it, really. I had the feeling all along that it was a one sided affair. And all I can blame is myself. I listened to my heart instead of my head, because really, I never expected him to be interested in me either. And despite it only being a small crush, I had gotten my hopes up. After three months, I could have possibly found someone. I didn't want anything serious, but just someone to help my confidence, have some fun and be a really good friend. I don't know what that is; a few months back I talked about having a rebound guy. But J is different, I wanted something more from him. Last night when I heard the news, I was absolutely crushed. And I wrote a long blog on myspace about how I hate love, and that I've given up for a while. Now I realise that I'm not going to give up, but that I just wish I could catch a break. In three years, I've gone through two straight boys, a boy who dumped me after three weeks, another straight boy, and now this. It would be nice if I could meet the right person. But doesn't everybody think that?

So now, I'm not moping. I'm just sad... I think there is a subtle difference.
I'll be ok.


jeff's picture


Sounds like progress to me. You're not being rejected by straight boys! That's the right path.

"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

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msquared's picture

Aw, I'm sorry. It never gets

Aw, I'm sorry. It never gets much easier, does it? But a great way to get out of the self-pitying mode is to start thinking about others more. When we only focus on ourselves and pine over how we "deserve" a boyfriend or a good test grade or friendlier parents, it just serves to make us more disappointed. Maybe instead we should think along the lines that other people feel they deserve things, too, and it'd mean a lot to them if we helped make that happen. Try helping your parents with the dishes or complimenting a friend on how good she's been looking lately, and see what happens. It could make a difference not only to others, but to yourself as well.

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche