Don't look at the tags or you'll spoil the entry. Honestly.
I realize I sort of implied in my last entry from ages ago that I'd continue with my theatre date with Lovelyboy, and I did try a bit here and there, but I might as well make a long story shorter and skip that continuation (as much fun as it was).
Actually checking back, I wrote that last piece on April 13, and it's June 14, so essentially two months later finds you here reading my words. Ugh, I haven't had time to read much of anything, I'm still reading through The Scarlet Letter and have been for quite too long and all in all feel like everything winding down has turned into a degrading vocabulary!
Anyway, my movie date with Lovelyboy went well of course, and although things were limited, it was definitely the most fun I've ever had at the movies with a male. April passed by in its way, I was kept busy with lots of work and Lovelyboy and I talked a bit via e-mail and over the phone.
Months ago I got into every Canadian university I applied for, and by the end of April I had received replies from my internationals (yay for acceptances). Lovelyboy isn't a slacker by any means, and sure isn't a dumby (aside from whatever made him lust after me, that is), so he had gotten into everything he applied for, although that was restricted to just Ontario and one school in Quebec. Ontario and Quebec are Canadian provinces, so go look them up if you're clueless as to what they are!
The thing is, it took until April for the most selective and at the time his most sought-after program in ON to get back to him. More on that later though.
I shared this with some would-be readers in PMs, but probably since this year began (wooo, January sure was a long time ago!), I know I've had some reservations about how far to take the relationship with Lovelyboy, and I've questioned wtf we'll do if we both go to university far away, especially if we're in big/good/gay-happy cities.
Sorry, can't cut the doom and gloom just yet. I had things narrowed down to three schools by the end of April, and I must've at least put this in a journal before, the schools are situated in Vancouver, Montreal and the third choice was Toronto, in large part because Lovelyboy's program wound up being there and in some of our April chitchat he made it sound more appealing, not just because he'd probably be there.
Alright, boredom slashed, here comes excitement:
I got to do a multi-night away trip in May for an extracurricular, and luck had it that I'd be in Toronto! Well duh, Lovelyboy engineered an excuse to come down too that same weekend!
I was actually thinking hard about posting something here then, asking if anyone would want to meet up there, or if you/they knew any good gay clubs in the city. My mind shoves mischief in whenever it can, and of course I figured it would be fun and a worthwhile experience to go to my first gay club that weekend, and then go to the same place the next night with Lovelyboy.
It took so much mind-wracking when it came down to actually going, since my excursion had me placed with other kids from my school and lots of other teens. I was thinking so much about wtf would happen if my school/family found out, where exactly to go (I'd done some online looking and printed off a few locations though), the idea of being raped, getting stuck in the city, pick-pocketed, all sorts of worries. I actually came out to someone new and random because my goddamn female school friend and confidante had apparently changed her cell # and in my desperation of calling for advice, I got a stupid automated message and for whatever reason, I didn't call Lovelyboy and a lot of that was because I wanted to surprise him the next night by going there together, or at least telling him about it.
So anyway, I came out to a random person I'd always thought was gay, he didn't clarify ANYTHING for me, but suggested I go and have fun and told me he'd never been where I was asking about, and in the end I got a taxi and hopped in and headed off to gay Toronto's core. Haha, I wound up taking more than an hour to find a club I was brave enough to enter, and I felt so weird but so charged when I finally got to the Church Street area and asking some gay guys for directions/advice I got rewarded and felt soooooo good and oddly loved and safe.
See? I'm describing like a monkey here since my literary senses have been STARVED for the past month+! Anyway, I did visit a club for the first time, I did get touched by boys in there, and I did have a little fun, but felt out of place way more and even though I had nothing to worry about, I still sort of wonder wtf I was thinking. It was worth it for the experience at least, I didn't really wind up doing anything, except lose some money (I literally left behind 90% of a vodka shot I ordered for the sake of it, and I wasn't in this club very long so the cover was a waste haha) - I spent most of the night observing and I suppose being exposed to what all of us closeted gay boys must imagine being a hop skip and jump away in the big city (or another country).
So here comes the next day: Lovelyboy and I agreed to meet at a certain well-established and starry-named coffee chain that obviously has a store in downtown Toronto. I get there first and I'm not in clubwear or anything for our planned excursion, but I'm still looking good in some never before worn items and it was a perfectly warm weekend. Lovelyboy comes in, hearts melt, we do our public-eyes-watching greeting and relax more than ever before on this idea of a date when we see an obviously gay pair of businessmen walk in and order something - yay for Toronto!
Even though the place is busy (although nothing close to what it could be), Lovelyboy and I get to talking about some homosexual stuff as usual. Now back to Lovelyboy's university stuff. Duh, he was accepted! So you're probably clapping right now, I know I was, and I was sooo ecstatic when he told me, and it was amazing hearing that happiness in his voice, and I knew he'd pretty much be headed there for school next year. I feel my writing being disjointed right now, but I'm sort of going over dreary things in my mind in a way, but let's roll on.
So I actually hugged him and he pecked me on the cheek and we did get a look from a 20something lady but she was just surprised and no one else cared and that made everything feel all the better. It didn't take much before the smart pair of Lovelyboy+Disney pursued the topic of the future though. I even got moronic and mentioned my going to a club the night before and wanting to take him, and that actually made things worse. Ick, I'm going about telling this the right way - basically, after sharing his university news, he asked me where I was thinking of going, most probably expecting me to say my Toronto university, which was the last of my three narrowed options.
I laughed and told him I was still unsure and he painted me a picture of amazing Toronto university life again, this time being daring and putting his hand on my side as we sat and had our drinks (neither of us are coffee drinkers though, so holler) and wannabe pastries and commenting on how we could probably just make out then and there and no one would bat an eye! I had to laugh at that, and he gave me a devilish smirk which is just beating at my heart right now as I remember it, and we fake glanced around us and jokingly moved to make out and then just laughed and laughed some more.
For some people, post-secondary choice isn't much, for others it's more life or death than anything they've ever dealt with. I could outline where it was and is for Lovelyboy and I, but I've obviously already slammed the door on making this long story shorter, so I'll save that for some future reflection too.
Suffice to say, we didn't have a fight, but we had more of an argument than a debate, and I wound up eliminating Vancouver from my choices for university life as we both slammed things there a bit (Lovelyboy gallantly tore down the picturesque ideas of BC and replaced them with crack-addict vagrants and rain for me). My school in Montreal vs. my school in Toronto proved more challenging though. Like I said, not a fight, but more than a debate by far.
I think maybe we were both waiting for it, or since things had been going so well (as limited and semi-distant as they were) it just had to happen, but I know that being ambitious and having success = passing up 18 year old hardcore crushes and getting away from the GTA (that's Greater Toronto Area - look it up too!) and trying for what'll help me most later on in life. There was one point though in the talking (if you can call it that) where I would've looooved to have grabbed him by the head and just kissed him passionately and diffused everything and then done what happened shortly thereafter out of consequence.
So you saw this coming, maybe not before this entry, but up to this point probably - Lovelyboy and I decided to call it quits that evening. It was heated at first, but we did calm down and we did talk sensibly and we thought about it more, but we both wound up expressing what we wanted and how awesome this was but he then told me how much he'd hate for me to hold back my dreams and I honestly didn't have something quite that good to say but basically iterated how I'd be a burden on him in Toronto and he's got so much to attract whoever he wants and I'm just a first timer for him and we wound up agreeing with: Who knows?
Because really, who does? We discussed sticking through with it even more long distance, and even with his blessed-good geography skills, when I confirmed it'd be 5+ hours of movement from Montreal to Toronto to see him or vice versa (that's going from Toronto to Montreal smarty) he sighed.
It was such a long sit-down and talk and it felt so real and it almost felt like a stepping stone FOR the relationship, and we'll still be connected/have a friendship, but what I really mean is that it felt like something which would've really enhanced our relationship, having gone through this whole hashing out of feelings and thoughts and just sitting with one another for 4+ hours like we did.
Lovelyboy even brought me another first like that - first time I've been in a coffee shop for more than 3 hours!
That all happened more than a full month ago, and there's more to it besides, and we did try talking about other stuff following the basic break-up decision, but it was a little weird and we both wound up being teary-eyed! Again, it made our relationship seem even more tangible and sometimes I hate distances and transportation so much. I know it wouldn't happen for decades, but what would've happened if we had just been 2 hours away? Well I know not to dwell, and since that evening everything has sort of settled, although I've read that longing swells 4 months after the death of a longed one so who knows - 3 months down the line if I don't have another boy to call Lovely, I might be collapsing on the inside.
It was really good for me to write this, I feel like I've done it more externally than ever before, which is strange and I think I dislike it quite a lot! It feels more robotic or something, hmm. I have to say it's probably a sign of my maturing, and I know beyond a doubt that Lovelyboy helped me to mature, as nuts and teenage-desire-infused as our outings (oh the irony) and talk may have been.
The above does a good job of flowing with my feelings about all this right now, I originally thought some of the lyrics said "I said I'm sorry" but apparently they don't! In any case, the video and the tones in the song just work.
I did actually choke up at one point writing this, I spoke to Lovelyboy in May and he had actually called, and there were a lot a lot of points after that evening I described where I wanted to call him or email him or drive to his home or something and change it all. He really called to see how I was going, and damn this sounds horrible, but I only blearily remember our first phone conversation, even though I bet I put down the gist of it in a journal here! Maybe that's my maturity showing too (a.k.a. old age hahaha), or somehow my mind wants to cover it up, but when he called I expected it to be just like our first phone conversation, probably because of so many movies where it's like that, but it wasn't. It wasn't too awkward or paused or sad or whatnot like that, he wanted to know how I was and asked if I'd made a university choice!
I knoooow! Even after all of our talking, I never actually told him for sure for sure for SURE that I'd be headed to Montreal, we basically just assigned our fates with that in mind. But I actually will be, and I actually had decided before he called last month, and it wasn't a challenge to accept their offer of admission, but it was a bit of a struggle to finally reject my offer from Toronto (where Lovelyboy's definitely going for his original #1 choice [and for those paying extra attention, Lovelyboy's Quebec choice really wasn't for him, he did it more for the sake of it, and it's not the same school as mine]). Our last convo wasn't too long, there was closure but I still have such a weird sense of so so so much being left unsaid, and I know we both want each other, haha, maybe that's part of why it's so strange, since I keep thinking of things he'd want to do or see or what he'd say and I just know we'd both be so happy seeing each other on a regular basis in fun Toronto while at university.
Ugh, again I'm nuts and dragging this out here, but there you go, that's what occurred. I don't long for that Lovelyboy exactly, I miss him, but I've also been wrapped in excitement for some travelling in summer and of course, (I can tell I've used 'of course,' a few times too many) starting university in Montreal!
I know I've mentioned Facebook a couple times at least, and probably Lovelyboy with some relation to it. He's had it since before we met, but we decided not to add one another just for the sake of being totally undercover coppers. I haven't added him yet even after our 'break-up' (It was one, but at the same time, it feels like it wasn't sometimes, especially when my mind makes me think of dating as equalling regular dates and some more intimacy) and he hasn't added me - that's something else I think I can still pull ESP on for his thoughts, in that he'd like to add me too, but neither of us will do it until we're ready.
Once again, I feel strange about all this. Oh, and after the coffee shop, we could've walked back to where I was staying, but for the weirdness and whatnot, and being on the same wavelength as usual, we fooled ourselves into saying that Lovelyboy should just wait there for his ride anyway and I walked back alone, which is interesting, since it's how I came to be there anyway. Ick, the lonesomeness of it all! I truly cannot wait to find someone to really be with, to lay my head down on if I'm feeling sad or to help out with whatever they need, whenever they need it. I'll be so happy to not have to really hide a relationship, since Montreal is way more liberal and a way bigger city than Lovelyboy or I have ever lived in for very long.
This really is sad, and I hope if you're reading this and longing someone too, that it works out, and I think this all did, I know that Lovelyboy will rock it out in Toronto, and as awkward as I am sometimes, I bet I'll find my way in Montreal as well. I know especially that we'll both start off our school terms more focused, and I somehow again know that neither of us will be picking up a new boy or real romantic interest for a few months, until summer's well over.
I keep mentally sighing over it. I hope that Lovelyboy and my relationship ending doesn't make anyone else overly sad out there, if anything I'd bank on the fact that your reading this and whatever progression of our relationship I've put down on this site helps you when you find your own person to be with, at least for the first time.
I have to say I'm not sure what I'd do if I saw him right now, or next week, or in two weeks. Maybe I'll know in 15 days (please tell me you got that), but I think there's also some good connection between ending this relationship now, right when our exams are coming (okay, maybe we'll both fail out of sadness, but maybe not) and our high school lives are on the verge of being over and done with.
I know what he's doing for some of the summer, but not for all of it, and not for the small portion that I'll be back home for. Since we're already a fair bit far apart and won't be in the same social groups anymore really, it doesn't seem like a problem (not that it would be - ick again, I think I'm being hard to follow here), but I have to wonder wtf it'd be like to go see a movie with him! I think it would be awkward, but we're both away for long portions of the summer, and hmm.
Lovelyboy is over, and I have so much ahead of me and so much to study for and so much to pack up and unpack and buy and get rid of.
I think to end I'll leave you with a fun fun song, Lovelyboy actually played it over the phone for me one evening (and as an f.y.i. neither of our parents were home so that's how wacky our chances to converse got, that we coordinated their absences practically) and I've heard it pretty often since then. The actual band's video sucks IMO and haha I don't like the look of the band at ALL, but this fan vid is entertaining and I can still recognize cuteness alright (at least in one of the guys)!
It rekindles my university excitement a bit, and applied to lots of fun with Lovelyboy too .
I'd go get a nice quote for you too, but now I'm feeling a tad drained, and the song is still catchy, but obviously bringing a touch of sadness, and hmm this has all actually put a damper on my university fun-seeking recently, but I've still got months before Montreal and YEARS to spend there, and haha, I'm a crazy gay teenager!
Thanks for reading, and I'm guessing that Lovelyboy is no more in earnest, but if I have another love interest I'll develop some other suitable adjective+noun combo, haha!