First of all, Thanks to Oasis for assisting me in returning to the site. I value this place and the friends I made here. Sometimes life just gets too intense and you lose touch.
It has been nearly a year since I have been here and I appologize to those of you who were such loyal readers. I graduated last week and am now working as a chef at a "kind of nice place" in Casper.
Today is Tuesday June 3rd 2008. I am amazed that I am still alive as you must be too. Jerry is working as an installer for the local cable company and making really good money and yes, we are still together and yes, we are still in the closet as far as our families go. Its just not worth the destruction and gnashing of teeth that I can see occurring if I were to say over my Wheaties at the breakfast table, "By the way mom, I'm gay."
I both admire and respect those of you who are "out" and I understand your admonishment toward me for being such a piker about doing it myself but I guess you'd have to be here and in my shoes to put a reason behind my reluctance.
In preparing for my glorious return I read over some of the comments that were left on my blog/journal in the past year. I feel the irritation with me and perhaps that was one of the reasons that I sort of ended my blog/journal/diary last year. I am not a confrontational person. See I never win at arguments even though I may have a good point and have the truth on my side, I will always lose. That should tell you a little about why I am reluctant to come out to my family. No matter what I say, I won't win the battle.
The other reason is that I have always been told that I am the example setter for my younger brothers. Though the argument doesn't stand well on its own, I could never explain how being gay is setting a good example for my younger siblings. I should say two of my younger siblings since Paul had told me in utter secrecy that he is gay also.
Did I admit to Paul that I was gay when he told me he was? God help me, I tried and I still may but it will take all of the manhood inside me to do that. There is no rhyme or reason to why I am having difficulty with this. I just am. Do I have guilt that I have kept it from him? Yes, the worst kind of guilt known to man and that alone will probably lead me to tell him very soon. I trust paul becaus he also wants secrecy about his gayness and he is worth of my trust, which makes me feel even more guilt.
I guess I am just waiting for the right time and that probably would have been when he told me about himself.
As for Jerry, we are still very much in love and there has been something else that has entered the picture over the last year and that is respect for each other. I mean, there has always been respect but it has grown enormously in the past year.
It has also been a year in which I have discovered more about myself that confuses me even more. Through exploration of gay web sites and the like I have discovered that I am far from being the normal gay guy.
OK, before you say it I'll say it. Maybe there isn't a "normal gay guy".
What I have discovered is that I like my masculinity and I like being though of as masculine, tough and very male. On most of the gay sites this is seen as more of a fettish than a way of being. Of course I am very sheltered living here in Wyoming and I am sure there a a bunch of you out there laughing your heads off right now.
Jerry and I have discussed this and he feels much the same. I don't know, I guess I'm not explaining myself very well and I really can't think of another way to say it that wouldn't get into the dirty little corners of my mind. I like guys that act like guys and I like to be liked because I am a guy and not for the number of "faghags" that follow me around.
Oh hell, you either get it or you don't.
In other things, we now have two horses one of which I just broke without any prior experience at that sort of thing. She is a sweet little chestnut filly named Aquarious.
It is far more of a heartfelt thing breaking a horse than I had imagined. You keep at her and it takes weeks of forceful work to get through to her psychy but when it happens, the cowboy sits alone on his horse in a deserted field and cries. It's fucking intense.
Jerry and I had spent a two week period on a little ranch in northern Wyoming at the end of last summer. It was a telling experience for both of us because little did either of us expect that there would be other guys there like us. It is far from "billed" as a gay ranch and in fact you are told if you don't have the guts, don't even sign up. We signed up and found that there were two unattached guys there that were also gay and meeting both of our standards as "rough and tough". One was also named Jerry and was 19 years old and the other was named Jake and was 18. By virtue of the fact that we hung out with them a lot, the decided that we were gay like them and we admitted it to the first outsiders. Jerry and I were both attracted to the other Jerry and it became our first test of loyalty to each other. We both failed miserably but have reconciled it as a need to explore. Oddly it strengthened us in the long run.
You have to understand, this isn't Hollywood where every cute guy is a temtation. This is Wyoming where you can be lulled into believing that there may never be another chance to sew your wild oats again.
We did and we learned that we were the best for each other.
It was a dark and stormy night. There were initially five of us who were sitting late one night by the campfire. The fifth guy was presumably gay also but he was a little immature in a way. Cute but way immature. He finally gave up and went to bed and that left Jerry, the other Jerry, Jake and me. The other Jerry kept making it clear that he was not with a partner and he had just met Jake at the ranch. I kind of noticed that my Jerry was not making too much of an effort to tell anyone that he and I were a couple. This sort of pissed me off and the scrub was on.
One thing led to another and I wound up in The other Jerry's cabin and my Jerry wound up in our cabin with Jake. The Jerry I wound up with was a "top" and I have never been a "Bottom" so things didn't work out real well. Let me just say that I have still never been a bottom.
On the other hand Jake turned out to be even less experienced and wanted only a mutual experience with my Jerry and I found Jerry sitting outside looking real unhappy.
For wahtever reason we were both a little pissed at each other for allowing this to happen and it took a good deal of talking to get past that. We both learned a lesson from that little expertience and I don't see it happening again for either of us.
Jerry and I returned to our cabin and talked all night and finally wound up having our own experience together and it was sweeter than ever.
Since then we have learned to even laugh about that night but there is always a little caution involved in that laughter.
So this was an exhausting experience coming back and trying to put a whole year in a nut shell. Maybe I will get my second wind later and try for something a little more interesting.