Dear Mom

music is life's picture

Dear Mom,

I figure since we don't talk on the phone very much, and when we do we get into a fight, that I would write you a letter. I know I haven't been the best daughter, and I'm sorry for that. Remember how I used to clean the house like crazy? I did that because you told me I was your favorite after I did it. You've made me think that love is scaled by how much someone does things for you, you told me to love your husband because he's taken me to soo many practices and my friends houses, but I can't. I don't love him, I don't even like him, I loathe him. And I can't believe that after I told you what he tried to do to me, you tell me that I don't know what real affection is. But part of thats made me who I am today.
When you were getting your surgery done for your aneurisms I didn't realize how serious it was. And I'm sorry, but now I know. It bothers me how you make comments about how you wished you would've died during the surgery because I obviously don't love you anymore because I moved to Dads. Thats not true and I've tried soo many times to tell you that.
The majority of this letter is about love, and we've never really had a conversation about love. But I don't think we need to because I know you would tell me I don't know what love is. I'm 16, what do I know? To me love is something you shouldn't be told to feel, its instinct. Theres many different kinds to, friend love, family love, boyfriend/girlfriend love. Oh and Mom thats another thing, I'm gay. Well actually the correct term is lesbian. And now I know your thinking that its because I'm confused and I've moved away from you so I think I need a womens love. Well you're mistaken. I'm telling you this because I want us to be closer, I need us to be closer. I don't want you to be ashamed of me and I don't want to be ashamed of you. And I'm tired of putting on an act for everyone. You've put so much pressure on me to be perfect. Its like, you've messed up with your other kids, so you try so hard to make your youngest the best because you now know what to do right. So Mom, please, lets start over. Now you know the real me. I love you.

*I think I'm going to write letters to my family, not necassirly to give to them, but just to get thoughts and feelings out of my head and somewhere where someone else can actually read it... This is my first one. I almost think its too harsh and it doesn't really make sense. But I don't think I can come out to her in person, as much as she might deserve it as a mother. But I know we'll just get in a fight, but who knows she might surprise me and say she knew all along and she still loves me. The whole purpose of writing that was to tell her I'm gay. Atleast now I feel better for writing it on here

Comments

Shura's picture

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That was very touching. I hope it helps, getting it down, at least... *sends yummy warmth*