frustration....ish?

deepspace87's picture

So...
I think im transgender. i think. ugh.

its not that im unhappy about this, its just... i wish all these realizations would stop. my entire life ive felt like im just kidna stuck being a girl. i was born that way and was raised that way, and id otn like it. i feel like i would rather be a guy, and in my mind i see myself as a guy, i guess it just hasnt hit me before that that might actually mean anything.

i dont feel trans though. im so confused. i dont know what it is...
i feel like a guy. but i feel like if im gonna be trans, i shouldnt look like a girl and all the little stupid stuff like i shouldnt be 'she' it should be 'he' and all that.

my mind is telling me that it doesnt matter and there really is no purpose to doing this to myself. that so what, i feel that way, i dont need to label myself and decide this stuff, because its just words, i already say im gay and thats enough, changing how i want to be refered to is unnecessary, blah blah blah. but everything else in me is saying that thats what i am and i need to do something about it.

i already came out, and i dont think anyone i told would even understand if i started coming out again. differently. it was already enough stress just figuring myself out to begin with and coming out, now im going through it all again.

idk... maybe some people think that i shoudla known i was trans from the start, well i hardly even had heard of it before. i mean... i didnt even really know what it was till like, a week ago (thanks to you guys who responded to my post about it before. it helped alot.). so its like... i finally get a definition for it and it seems like i fit it all perfectly.

but... ugh. idk... i dont want to deal with this again. i feel like i have to come out TWICE. everything inside me feels like im a guy, but physically im not. when i was little i wished i was a guy, im 17 now, and every now and then ill be sitting there thinking and it hits me that in my head im refering to myself and thinking of myself as a guy, and imagining myself in a relationship as a guy. all that stuff.

i barely even understand what being trans is, let alone wanting to deal with all this again...

ugh... i just feel like breaking down and crying right now....

sorry... this was alot of rambling and saying the same things over and over... but i just needed to get it out to someone who might actually understand...

Comments

fox333's picture

aw *hug* your awesome no

aw *hug* your awesome no matter what you choose.

'Oh Brave New World!'
- Brave New World
I think...

music is life's picture

I've never been what your

I've never been what your going through, but i know its nothing to rush into. and ya it sucks not knowing,being confused, and wanting to know rigt now and not being able too. but when that day comes that you do figure it all out, you'll be so relieved and feel a hell of a lot better. i'm sure you already know that though with coming out. And good luck with everything!

loreonpravus's picture

Alright. I know pretty much

Alright. I know pretty much how you feel, because I'm getting confused about being trans myself. like...sometimes I wonder if I should be a guy instead, but then I get confused because I'm not, and then...augh
..yeah. confuzzlds.

Shura's picture

Riku made an entry recently

Riku made an entry recently that relates... maybe it would help being able to talk through some of the confusing stuff together, idk... I hope.. *hands over a yummy summer food of choice*