I want to cry. I wish I could cry and get it all out; but everything is so simple and inexplicable. There aren't a million clear thoughts running through my head; it's all just about waiting and seeing what happens. It's like a state of being frozen in time while real life whisks by you. It's addictive, and I need to unfreeze. Unfreeze it; move; be excited by something. Physical interactions with people are the only thing I can trust; I wish I could throw everything else away and not obsess over it. Physical interactions with anything, really (i.e. cooking, my chosen profession).
Maybe I should just sleep the rest of the time - when I'm not physically interacting with anything. Maybe I need words; crisp, clear and concise - to be able to identify and express my physical experiences. Perhaps to gain control over my experiences. But is life about control? I don't know. I watched Girl, Interrupted a couple nights ago, which is why 'control' is cropping up more. But I don't know.
I also need more self-control and more clarity with that self-control. I made a promise, and have been walking through the gray area of 'mildly' breaking it. Being a black'n'white kind of person, an idealist at heart so much that I just ignore it and give up on things, this feels like a betrayal to myself, to my experience in life, and to that person. I need self-control so I can keep promises. Or not make ones I can't keep. Is it possible to be an incredibly passionate person with being a pig? I think so. You just have to be passionate about beauty in everything that is and that happens, and then the choices are easy, and all that you do is interesting. Now I feel like I'm about an inch away from jacking off to Mozart (in terms of exploring beauty, haha), cue Katy Perry's Ur So Gay song. Oof.