i don't know what the hell this is about. (don't read it)

Anonymous's picture

i had this dream the other night, and i can't seem to get it out of my mind.
that night, i was on the phone w/ G, and i remember him saying something along the lines of, "now, remember: if you dream about me tonight, keep it PG!" and, of course, i dream about him. *i wrote this in my nerdy, password protected MS word journal, and then added things when i transfered it to here. The tenses in this are probably horribly off, so just ignore that. i don't feel like fixing them ATM*

He and I were dating or something (of course, we're both a few years older; probably jr/sr or sr/and college freshman [he's a year above me in hs]), and it starts out with me waking up next to him. I had absolutely NO recollection of the night we spent together, but i know the basics of what happened.
A few days and four pregnancy tests later... I call Lauren, my best friend, who used to babysit me when I was in elementary school (way long ago)and now she's like a big sister to me.
We talked about options for a while, and somehow I ended up deciding on an abortion (which is strange, because I love babies, and I could NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that in real life). We schedule an appointment for the next Friday, and tell my parents that I'm staying over her house that night because I miss seeing her. That Friday, she picks me up at school.
"Are you sure you want to do this, love?" she asks.
"Yeah. Thanks so much for everything you're doing, but let's just not talk about it right now," I say, looking down at my feet.
"Okay," she says, and puts on the radio.
Twenty minutes later, we're outside of the clinic, and she asks,
"Do you want me to come in?"
I say a very quick,
"No,"
before exiting the car and going into the office to go through with it.
I come out of the clinic and see Lauren waiting for me; I get in the car and cry. I finally decided to call G. I can't finish a sentence on the phone because I'm crying too hard, so she does all the talking. We invite G over, and go to pick him up at his house. He gets in the car, and i crawl to the back seat of her car and sit next to him and cry the rest of the way home.
When we get to the house, he asks,
"Babe, what's wrong?" and I have to tell him.
We sit on the couch in Laur's living room, and I finally get it out and say,
"I just had an abortion," and he kind of sits there.
I curl up again, and he starts saying,
"No, no, it's okay, it's okay" over and over. I can tell he wants to cry.
Finally, he asks,
"Why didn't you tell me, babe?"
and I say,
"I wasn't sure how you would take it. I was scared, and --"
He shushes me and pulls me up onto his lap.
Rick (Lauren's fiance, but in the dream he's her husband) comes in to put on a movie, and G and I sit and watch it silently with them. They try to cheer me up, but it doesn't work that well, so they put on a movie that they know won't make me think of anything that has to do with the baby. I fall asleep halfway through it, and they wake me up hours later to guide me to the bed Laur & Rick made up for me. G curls up next to me and plays with my hair until i doze off.

I wake up next to him again.
“Babe, Bay-bee, it’s time to wake up,”
he whispers in my ear.
I wake up and curl into him.
I check my phone, and it says that Katie called while i was asleep.
I call her back and tell her to meet me at the Presby in an hour.
Because I can't drive like this, and G has no car, Lauren drops us off over by the church.
"Thank you so much, Laur, for everything," I say.
"Yeah, really, this means a lot to us," G adds, shutting the car door before Laur drives away.

I felt like I had to tell someone else, so I decide to tell Katie as soon as i see her.
“Why is he – no offense – here with you? It's really early,” she says, looking at G.
“He slept over,” I kind of whisper.
“WHAT?!”
“Yesterday was...” he starts.
“I had an abortion. I stayed over Lauren’s last night, and he was there with me for –”
“– Emotional support,” He finishes
“Oh... my... god, Honey!” she pulls me into the biggest hug ever,
“And YOU!” she lets go of me, and points at him. I pull him behind me so I can sheild him,
“I’m going to KILL you!”
I pull him closer....

And then my brother wakes me up.
I sit there for a while, and realize I feel horrible about even dreaming about that. I know no one cares, but I love babies. I want to have lots of them. Agh. I don't know what to think about any of this. Any thoughts?

in other news... i want to add some of y'all onto my myspace and facebook. PM me if you want the links to either.

Comments

Azul's picture

*shrugs* Maybe you're

*shrugs*
Maybe you're repressing the idea of being pro-choice and it's showing through subconsciously, through dreams...

helterskelterrxo's picture

that's...

a really good way of putting it. i never thought of it that way.
:] thankss