looking back.

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okay, so, the paragraphs to follow are from my other blog (which i deleted b/c my parents found and FLIPPED b/c it was talking about 'gay things') and the stuff in italics is me looking back on it.

i'm so completly, utterly, amazingly confused. i mean, i really like her. and she's like my best friend, but.. seriously, how do you tell someone you're.. you know.. but, whatever, i think i like her. no, i know i like her. i hate being so confused. i need advice.

wow. this one is so ... old. i remember showing this to J. i just don't remember her reaction. shit. i miss this innocence (btw. still need advice!)

ok, so. i've told two people so far. and they're both uber supportive. one keeps saying "theres nothing wrong with thinking like you do." the other is just trying to keep me sane. :] but, if i don't tell her soon, i might end up bursting on her in the middle of class, and telling my entire grade. i really don't know what to do, or who to talk to. if anyone reads this & has feedback, tell me. i need it. i just wish she felt the same. life would be soooo much easier if i could just tell herrrr

oh, honey, it isn't easier at all. she hates us now. you don't know how much i want to go back to that. and, as for the whole grade finding out? oh well, suck it up. you're (i'm) the freak now. and now i've told about.... 24 people :] no family yet. 2 guys; 22 girls.

laurelville, i miss youuu!
wow, this weekend really cleared things up. i don't even know how to write it, it was just awesome. i met a boy! and he's adorable. i made a friend, who is the coolest person ever. i really look up to her, and all the junk she's been through. she got me to stop swearing, if only for a little bit, and she and i have the exact same musical taste. [she's been to like... 60 more concerts than me, though] and she's so funny. i wish i could just re live this weekend, over and over and over again. oh well, i gotta go.. my jiffy pop is starting to pop! but anyways, byee!

i remember every part of this weekend (church camp!) vividly (and i'm probably going to go on about this). the boy i met? Jake (aka Zacky Vengance). i got his number the first night there :] he tried to kill himself in may.. really hot. so out of my league!... the cool friend? Katie. i came SO close to coming out to her that weekend (but i stopped, and i still don't know why to this day). that cutie (and i mean that in a sisterly way) fell asleep on me, and it didn't feel weird or akward. i remember finally feeling loved :] (GOD that sounds cheesy) and the jiffy pop? no clue what the hell i was talking about...

not so glaad anymore :[
i'm in denial. i don't know how to deal with this. i just wish, somehow, that this world would suddenly become super accepting. i'm starting a GSA next year. i just hope to god it gets approved.

the week i found out about lawrence king and the week my dirty little secret (which isn't dirty. or little. or a secret anymore) got out. i spent most of that week crying in my room

you should know who you are
you know what? i fcking hate you. i trusted you with my DARKEST
secret... and you went around and told people about it. i cannot believe
i trusted you. i was in love with you, until now, and i don't care if you find
out. i don't care anymore... i'm sick of you. i just don't know anymore...
fuck you. mmk?

PMS + finding out your best friend/crush has been backstabbing you for the last three months = this post. i was hoping for J to see that and feel bad.. she saw it. didn't feel bad. *what a surprise*

we've reached the point of akward conversation. i never thought this would happen. not this soon. i remember when we couldn't stop talking to each other. way back when my texting bills were super high because of how much we would talk. i want that back, as selfish as it sounds. i miss her. and she doesn't give a shit. whatever. i have to get over this.

this is the one post i still know why i wrote. even now, i really miss her. i'm praying that when we get back to school, she'll be normal again. (like that will ever happen)
so, i just talked to J on IM... and for a while, i thought we were going to be okay... and then she started doing that thing she does w/ the keyboard. she's usually really emotional with her typing, but all of the sudden, she just stopped (sorry if you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm trying to describe it as best as i can). if you knew her like i do, then you would know that when she does that, it's when she doesn't want to talk to you. her responses went from, 'i got a solo at drama camp! (: i sang day by day, and...' to, 'nothing.' 'ok.' 'oh.' <--- see what i mean? i really miss being able to talk to her, but i know we'll never be the same. *sighs* i don't know what to do about this.