The night before last I had a dream that I had a new girlfriend. But that was all after a huge wave came in and dug out a cliff on the shore and took all our beach items. Nah, this was later, after that, in a shack-like beach house.
It started out being C. You know, my ex. My first girlfriend. My best friend. If you read my journals, you've known C from the start. And we sitting across from eachother, with ehr more to my left, and she leans over and starts kissing my back. My lower back. I get turned on and direct her hand to my privates. WTF. But it ends up not being C. It turns out looking like a girl I knew from school [but hadn't talked to in a couple years].
So, no more C, it's that girl now, and something interrupts us and when that stops, I kiss her, and she falls back onto a bed and I lift her shirt up and she's not wearing anything underneath and I kiss her stomach up to the middle of her chest and we have to stop for something or other. And that was about the extent of the interaction.
I don't know what to make of this dream, really. I had another one where I kissed a girl and it felt like C, which sounds strange, but it did. And to be honest, I don't like it. I love C, and she was a good kisser, but those days are over. We don't kiss at all in real life, and I'd rather we not.
And a sidenote: when I think of myself having sex from someone, I think back to how C and I always got close and never did. It never felt alright. Thinking back, it was like we were too immature or something [probably were] and when I think of ME having sex, I still feel like I'm too... I don't know... immature, I guess. Like I'm not really sexy. Like I'd be clumsy, like I couldn't do it right. Like I couldn't do it at all.
I try not to pay much attention to it at all, because I'm probably not at all ready for sex, and who the fuck is there to have sex with, but when I have dreams like that, it makes me wonder... I don't know what, but it makes me wonder.
Is there something I'm not addressing with C? Something in regards to how we got close without really ever getting close?
This is turning into a rant of sorts, but sometimes it feels like we're still a couple. We spend tons of time together, cuddle on occassion, and it's not rare for her to pamper me with back rubs and such. Sometimes I avoid backrubs because I don't like the way it make us feel like a couple. And I'm too awkward to confront her about how I feel under those circumstances. I'm hoping she doesn't have those feelings anymore, and I don't want to hurt her feelings otherwise. But perhaps I should say something.
WTF with that dream.