3 days (and counting)

Anonymous's picture

like the title says, three days til i start high school.

i know, i shouldn't be nervous... but i am. for a few reasons.

1. i haven't gotten my schedule like all of my friends who attended the activities fair/ walk through. first week = late to every class.
2. the whole GSA thing. starting to stress me out. should i be planning, writing a constitution/mission statement, etc?
3. i haven't done my english summerwork. and my neighbor is my english teacher!
4. i don't want to be the only gay freshman (or student at all for that matter).
5. i'm super shy.

i know, 1 & 3 should be my priorities. . . but what really is making me stress is 2 & 4.
a GSA is very new to my school. gay/gay friendly literature hasn't even gotten into students' (besides mine & close friends') hands yet.
the only people i know that are going to be accepting are the drama geeks. i'd love to see J's brother help me on this one *snickers*
she always said he was gay. and i never believed her... i still don't.
& #5 is just wonderful. i hate how shy i am. i really do. because, if you met me in real life, i'd be like "hi..." and that's all you'd hear of me the whole night. unless you mention george bush. i hate him with a passion. :]
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onto a new subject. and, in advance: i'm sorry for how long my blogs are. i just love to write. and, yeah, i know, i'm not good at it. but it's an outlet. ... and outlet that's less harmful than cutting (we'll get into that later)
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anyway, i wanted to talk about something elseee.
uh... how about L?
:[ i haven't mentioned her in a while.
... because she hasn't been on my mind.

her IM info says "i think i love you, but so does someone else..." & i want to know who that is! i could ask her, but it'd be weird. i think she knows i had a crush on her (i forgot to mention that as soon as i saw J the other day, all of my feelings for L vanished).

on to J. i miss her. i really do. i know she doesn't care, and that really hurts, because we once used to be inseperable. we hung onto eachother everywhere we went. at parties and dances, she'd always hold my hand or something, because she didn't want to lose me and i was the only one she really knew. before she met me, she hung out with only the band geeks and her brother's weird (yet adorable) theatre friends. after she met me, she was a social butterfly. i keep thinking back to last year (mainly football pre season for the highschool) and how much i miss it. just random shit... like, when we were watching rent, and i fell asleep. i wake up, hear that the movie is over... and i see her standing over me, smiling.
and when we were at one of my brother's games, and i had to hold her because it was freezing. or when we were leaving the one highschool game, and flirting, and i started strutting (making fun of her idol, tyra.. or something) and she came up and slapped my butt, and then started walking with our arms around eachother. ... or the pens games... when she put her hand against mine, and curled her fingers in... and we had a moment, but of course Sid scored & tied the game. :P.. or the ride home, her looking at ringtones for me, and putting on kiss the girl while i'm leaning close to her face. i remember stopping, leaning back, and saying, "NO." & she understood completely, and said, "crush?" or "oh.. her?"

ugh. i have to go. tired + sleeping on the couch tonight = bed before 4AM.
besides.. i'm not even home. i'm at my aunts (long story, i'll probably post tomorrow... or, today, in 7 minutes)

peacee.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Unless you're in some school with 20 students, you're not the only gay one. If you come out, you may be the only out one no matter the size, but certainly not the only one. It will just seem that way.

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"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

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