Anonymous's picture

there's something on my mind that i know if i don't write down and let out of me, will probably cause me to explode.

i can't stop thinking about J.
i haven't been able to since i saw her both at kennywood and on community day. after cmu. day, she randomly texted me (i saw you today... and yesterday :o), which i found incredibly weird b/c, well... we aren't friends.

& then i began thinking back to when we were friends. it's been mainly selective memories. like, her sleeping over for the first time. us up until 4 AM, watching rent, listening to her sing and play piano. and all of the highschool football games we went to. something that stuck into my mind, though, is something i know she doesn't remember:

she was majorly crushing on a guy, who i'll call W because i have a feeling i'll be talking about him later on. J's not usually the shy type, but when it comes to the opposite sex... she blanks. her and i were talking about it one day last october, over IM or text, and she asked me
"well, what do i say to him?"
(i find it horribly sad that i still remember my answer.)
"okay. here - i've been wanting to say this for a while. i really like you and... will you go out with me?"
"whoa. for a second there i thought you were seriously asking me..."
(another pause.)
"... i was."
she doesn't respond.
"ahahah! JK." i answer.

and just tonight, i was talking to maura, who one of maybe... 3 people i trust 200%.
my parents are trying to force me into being assistant band manager (they wanted band manager, but scott, my hot friend, took it) and i REALLY don't want it.
i told maura, and her first reaction was, ":] i'll see you"
this is a big deal because maura and i don't really hang out all that often.
well, we've never hung out. we started talking last year... and never really stopped. IM, text.... etc.
anyway, i was talking to her about it, and said "i don't want to do anything like that. i want to attempt at starting the GSA, and otherwise be completely invisible."
after a while, i said what was on my mind the most, "i'll see j."
and she replied, "Good."
"not good."
"yes good"
"if i just stay away long enough, the feelings'll fade" at this, i start to tear up. lately i've been super emotional about this subject.
"it doesn't work like that."
"i want more than anything for them to just GO AWAY."
"but they won't." i completely break down when i read this.

i don't understand why it's so hard for me to get over this crush.
or maybe it isn't. i don't know how i feel right now, but i want every romantic feeling i ever had towards her absoloutely gone.
maybe it would have been better if she never moved here in the first place. that would make things WAY less complicated.
i probably wouldn't have ever come out if it wasn't for her, though.
but, L wouldn't have come out either. or K. ... or (i'm thinking of nicknames as i go along) H.
and i wouldn't be the school dyke. (which i don't mind sometimes. [most of] the boys at my school are icky)