My God, I haven't been on this site in ages. But I was digging for a post I'd made somewhere at sometime about a particular thing, and holy shit here it was, still! Which got me back on the site, which got me reading through some old stuff of mine, some stuff of people I know/knew. I've got (unbelievably bad) poetry on this site from 12 years ago. It's unbelievable, really, just how much of my life from age 15 to 24 is here. And how deadly real it all was at the time. I survived coming out because of Oasis. I came through running away from home at 15, going to Woodstock '99, manic depression, the death of a partner, drugs (twice), getting kicked out of school, moving back home at 23, all this stuff.
It's hard to believe sometimes that it all actually happened to me. It's almost like I don't even really remember it anymore, I remember telling stories about it. And once you tell a story about a thing so many times, the story sort of becomes the memory, you know? And there are other parts, the parts you don't tell stories about. The parts you want to forget. Sometimes I feel like I've done too good a job of forgetting. It's hard to think about it sometimes, like actually difficult to recall. I don't know, I'm rambling. It's odd, is all. The past, and our relationships with it.
But here it all is, all I have to do is click "my journal" and there it is. Like it was yesterday. Like it was happening now. I'm not sure how to process it, I'm not sure how I feel about this person I'm reading about. It's like... like meeting someone that you haven't seen for years, but thought about... No. It's not like anything. I'm sorry, I walked away from the keyboard for a while here in the middle of this and I'm having a really hard time picking back up. Maybe it'll come to me later. Maybe it's not important. Let's move on.
Jeff, Adrian, thank you. Thanks for keeping this going all these years. I was talking about this with a friend of mine today while I was away from the keyboard in the middle of this, and he had a very similar story of a web space that was very important to him as a young man, and the friends he made there, and the difference it made in his life. But like so many of the sites that made up the early web, it's not there anymore. I thought "what a tragedy that is, that such a central piece of someone's life could just vanish." I'm glad that hasn't happened here. You have touched so many lives with this thing. Today you touched mine again.
To everyone who who's still here that remembers me, even if you only replied to a journal entry one time to say "stay strong," thanks. There were times when this site was some of the only positive reinforcement I got. You helped make me, and I've never forgotten it. Drop me a message, or an email (it hasn't changed). I'll write you back.
It's been a long, weird road since I was last here. Maybe later I'll sit down and write some about that. I don't write as much lately, and that's something I'd like to change. But I just wanted to say hi. It's really good to be here. Look for me, I'll be around.