just listening to the song, thought it would make a nice title.
so im a little mixed up atm. I had a party last nite, and invited all the musical kids. and danny zuko came. ill give you all a refresher on that situation - i had a crush on him, he had a crush on girl #1, a crush on straight boy #2 and was screwing around with gay boy #3. eventually i accepted that i couldn't force to be share my feelings, and i let it all go.
zuko and i hadn't seen each other in a long time, maybe a month, and it was awesome. things started out great, but the more we drank, the more i started to feels things again. and feel him again. we had pretend sex as my former drama teacher and her husband, we had D&Ms, shared drinks, etc and at one point we spooned for ages and were just generally comfortable with each other under the covers - BUT absolutely nothing happened. and it was just weird afterwards. i hate how one can't have control over one's feelings.
The story gets complicated by adding in Cha Cha. She's a super sweet girl, i love her to death. and Zuko got really friendly with her, and they ended up sharing a bed together. in the morning i found out they hooked up a little, just a bit of pashing. And Cha Cha told me a bit later how weird she found it - cos she didn't even think Zuko liked her that much. It makes me think that the whole escapade was him trying to prove something to himself, or to the rest of us. Zuko is gay. For real for reals. And hooking up with this girl was him trying to prove that his faggotry isn't 100%.
I love this kid, i really do. He's a wonderful friend, and a genuine sweet person. And i feel conflicted about a few things. I DO NOT want to like him, because he is so confused and mixed up and i can not handle that again. Another thing is that i don't want to step over that line, and break the trust he has for me. He is so fragile and delicate when it comes to matters of sexuality that he needs the support and love of his friends, not to be hit on by some older guy that he has no interest in. And another reason is that i've already gone down this path, and i have no interest in going down it again. It's funny how you can keep falling for the same person over and over again.
I'll figure things out eventually, and when I turn 18 (less than a month!!!!) I'll have the opportunity to broaden my horizons and meet lots of people - perhaps even a more suitable other-half. But at the moment, Im stuck with this lot, including my mixed up Zuko.