being with you is like being with a wounded animal.
you grow ever more frightened by my touch, ever more yearning for me to ease your pain.
do you think it's possible that your eyes tell lies?
i'm begging you to tell me i'm crazy. i'm hoping that one day you'll hit me. i'm wishing you'd laugh in my face.
but i guess i'm too scarey for that.
too scarey to talk to, too scarey for you to force away.
make me leave. tell me with words. don't force me to interpret you.
we all know i'm horrible at that.
do you remember, the time i talked to you about how i hated mixed signals, how you rubbed your leg ever so slowly up and down mine? of course you don't. you've forgotten all of that. you've forgotten how much you lived for that. don't tell me it was me. don't tell me that everything that we did had no meaning, has no meaning. it's so obvious it does. why would you run from me if you weren't so scared of wanting this?
but this is all me,
making all this up.
every last word. none of this happened. and whatever happened, whatever step outside the boundaries of friendship we took, together, always together, were completely devoid of meaning. almost as devoid as your heart is of understanding. talking to you on an emotional level is like talking to a dessert. every emotion, every feeling you once had has shriveled up and gone. i'm not allowed in any more.
but all of that's okay. know why? because i'm moving on. one step at a time i'm making my way away from you. i still have ten thousand, a hundred thousand, a million more to make until i don't love you any more, but i'm trying. i'm really really really going to try. because obviously waiting on you to crush it out of me isn't very effective.
last night in a movie i watched there was some line about loving someone in terms of oneself, and what that person does for you, and actually loving someone.
i want to scream every time i see you. i want to scream at you to look at me. to see me. to stop being weird. to remember. to stop pretending you didn't see this coming. to stop pretending i'm the crazy one. to stop this idiotic waste of our time.
i want you to scream at me. i want you to tell me that befriending me was the worst mistake of your life. i want you to tell me that i disgust you. i want you to tell me that i'm wrong. i want you to tell me that i made all of this up. i want you to tell me i have no right to be here, that you wish i would leave. i want you to tell me that you laugh at me behind my back. i want you to tell me that you're going to make sure that everyone knows what a disgusting person i am, tell them all about the horrible things i forced you to do.
i never made you do anything. everything you did, you did because you wanted to.
just make this stop.
why don't we talk about the secret?
why don't we talk about my perfect person?
why don't we talk about freaky shit related to the secret?