It's Father's Day. And I really don't care. I know I should, and I feel guilty because I don't.
I'm sick of trying. Trying to like you, trying hard to get along with you, trying not to let you get to me, trying not to snap at you. I love you, I really do. But it's too hard and I have enough difficulties without you bustling your way into my life and making it hard for everyone around you.
After you broke down, I tried my hardest. I didn't irritate you, I did all I could to be a good son. And you tried to be a good father. And you were. But then something happened. You reverted back to your old behaviour - the behaviour that pushed me away, pushed Mum away. The behaviour that is the reason for why Mum divorced you, causing you to slip into clinical depression.
You're selfish! You only care about yourself. You only care about what will effect you and make you uncomfortable. You wonder why I feel like this toward you. I recognise that I have a lot of anger towards you. It's because for 15 years you didn't really give a flying fuck about me. You never spent time with me. When you did you critised me. Called me fat and nicknamed me "girly man". And you don't even see how that's wrong. That's what hurts - you can't see that the way you treat us is horrible.
Then you wonder why I don't visit you, and that I don't seem to care. It's because you didn't do anything to earn my respect. You think our love is a RIGHT, not a privelige. I know that love is supposed to be unconditional, but I find it hard to love a stranger. Of course I love you - you are my father. Whether I like it or not, I came from you. But the person you are is someone that I don't like.
Some people think that I whinge over nothing, and that I'm lucky that I even had a father. But is it lucky to have a father, even if it's you? Growing up, I did have a father. But nothing I did was right, you screamed at me, made me feel bad about everything I did and who I was. And now I'm hurt. And I find it so hard to work through all that pain. My sister thinks I'm selfish - she had the same experiences as I, but SHE still manages to get along with you. I don't have the same maturity as her - I'm nearly 18, but she is 25. She's had 7 years more to work out her problems with you. She feels sorry for you. I don't. You brought all this on yourself.
Mum and I laugh at you. We laugh at the stupid things you say, and the dumb things you do. We laugh because it makes us feel better. It's like when the school bully has revenge taken out on him. The giant is toppled. Well you bullied us. For fifteen years (nearly double that with Mum) you pounded us into the ground with your harsh words.
On the flip side, I feel truly bad about this. I'm not supposed to dislike my father! It isn't the right thing to feel. But we never had a proper family life, and you never fulfilled what I needed in a father. I wanted to rely on you, but I couldn't. I wanted you to show that you loved me, but you didn't. You did nothing. And now I feel nothing.
It isn't all bad though. You and I get along sometimes. We can laugh and joke, even talk about some things. But on the whole, we can't. And it hurts me too much to even try anymore. I'm exhausted and I don't think I can try as hard anymore. So I'll still visit when I can, and make conversation and try to not let you get under my skin. But I'll sigh with relief when I'm on my way home.
You know I love you. And I want things to get better. But at the moment, I don't know how much time I can spend with you. Happy Father's Day.