I am lonely.
The type of lonely where even when I'm in a crowded room I feel completely alone. I miss her. So much that it's unbearable. I was doing fine until school started again and I have to see her everyday again. Tiptoe around her.
I used to look forward to school, it meant another occasion, another form of spending time with her. Now it feels like a trap. Some cruel trick. Why do I have to see someone every day who I know I can't have? Why doesn't she want me? How is it that we were only ever just friends? Am I really that blind, that crazy?
We used to fill each other up. When I was with her, I felt so much love. We were so lit up, so charged around each other that other people started to notice. Started to whisper. Why were we always touching, always holding hands? When we went out why did we dance together, like we should have been dancing with boys?
I guess I've sheilded her from the accusations of our friends for now, but sooner or later she's going to have to face them.
It's just so horrible. Not only did I lose my almost lover, but also my best friend. I'm trying so hard to fill the holes you left, Steffi. I'm trying so hard to patch myself up. I can't think of anything but you all the time.