Shaken - to the Core

Azul's picture

I feel so vulnerable. I feel lonely. I feel afraid. I feel fear.

My grandfather and grandmother are dying - I'm trying to cope with that, but it's hard. Know one knows how difficult it is for me either - no one seems to care. I sort of bring it up - that my parents are in Pittsburgh, basically saying "'god bye" and I've even mentioned that I won't ever see them again, but nobody cares. I've broken down 5 times these past two days, and it makes me feel pathetic.

Then, I feel so lonely. I've only been touched by one person. I'm not even talking about fucking; I'm talking about a relationship. And everyone else around me are having these experiences, and half of them are fags! No one even seems to like me, they all seem to like my friend. Some of them are even dumb ass hypocrites. I tried to get close to this one kid, but he reacted by saying he had a boyfriend. Fair enough, right? Well he started to hit on my friend. And my friend is fucking engaged. Why can't anybody understand that?

Then I feel close to no one; that I can't connect with anyone. Like, I don't feel comfortable enough with anybody to go up and be like "hey, can I talk to you for a bit? I've got some emotional baggage I need to unload somehow."

Sleep puts me in a better mood. I didn't really get any last night anyway.


Lol-taire's picture

Waiting for someone to die

Waiting for someone to die is worse than the actual death- I'm sorry about your grandparents. It's probably not that people don't care, but they're either people are wrapped up in their own grief like your parents or they don't know what to say. There isn't much point saying anything around death. Nothing makes people feel better, and everything that can be said is said so often people feel embarrassed that what they want to say is only a cliche.

Don't feel pathetic. You don't feel ashamed that you love your grandparents, so why feel ashamed that you're mourning them?
You're not meant to cope, that's why death is terrible.

As for sex. You still have youth on your side, son, I'm 19 and ugly. Only builders think I'm attractive. At least if I joined a convent I'd stand a chance of meeting some women.

music is life's picture


I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents. I hope the time you spent with them was amazing. From your other posts it sounds like they're really great grandparents to have and are worth crying for 5 times in 2 days.

And we're all here to hear(read) all of the baggage you want to unload. I'm sure we've all done it enough ourselves :)

Azul's picture

I love my grandparents, but

I love my grandparents, but they're not super-grandparents. It wouldn't be fair to call them that. They're cute and funny though. They can be slightly catty, but so can I.

i'm just outwardly expressive with my emotions. That's all. I always have been