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runningupthefreeway's picture

I had a nice day today. Practice in the morning, then I just chilled at home all day cause my parents were at work and I watched "But I'm a cheerleader" and "Imagine You and Me", Neither of which I've seen before, so that was cool and left me in a good mood.

That sounds kind of loserish, watching gay movies alone, but whatever. It was a kind of a chill day.

Now I just have this kind of general feeling of good will and appreciation. I come on here and I read all these journal entries, and my life is so nice compared with some of the shit other people are going through. I mean really, no drama in my life. My parents are sane, I'm sane, Everyone I love loves me back, etc. But still, it hits me that the only reason my life is sane is because I'm a coward. I avoid confrontation at all cost. I cant take confrontation, And I know I couldn't take it if I came out.

I mean, Jesus Christ. On the day of silence last year I wore a supporter button, And these two dudes kept muttering "thats so gay" under their breath towards me, and just I started shaking, honest to god visibly shaking because I was so upset. I just kept shaking, and shaking, and I couldn't stop myself. I didn't say anything.

How am I ever going to be able to come out if I can't even control myself when two dumbshit guys say "that's so gay" in Spanish class?

After I told my first person, my best friend I was gay over the phone, I hung up and lay on my floor and stared at the ceiling for hours, absolutely sure I had done something terribly, terribly wrong that I couldn't take back.

I'm an optimist. I just want to love everyone, as cliche as that may seem. And I really do. I love everyone. I just want to help people, help me. Just why is it so hard?

Comments

the_loser's picture

i hope you feel better. for

i hope you feel better. for real.