MIA's Paper Planes is playing nonstop for me right now.
I didn't win homecoming king. I'm silly and selfish and misguided, but I really wanted to win. I thought I deserved it. But that's not how things work. There's no such thing as deserving something--you just either get it or you don't, and that's that. It's not a question of fate, but of probability. Sometimes the cards aren't in your favor.
I feel any lesson in humility is exponentially more significant than any accomplishment you can earn. Humility's lessons are the hardest, and the most transforming. I've been hit with quite a few. I walked into school on Thursday morning with the straps on my backpack damp with piss, because my dad was so drunk the night before he couldn't find the bathroom. He didn't come to the coronation ceremony. And these things make me feel like Paper Planes by MIA. The topic of the song is gritty and pulled off the street, but she turns it into such beautiful music. I feel my life is the same way. I take all the unclean things that come my way and polish them off--into passion, or effort, or art. This homecoming experience will help me propel myself, too.
But in other, juicier news...a guy got HIGHLY sexual with me last night. It wasn't on the dance floor. To be honest, I was too upset to dance. The guy that I wanted to take to homecoming sophomore year, who I thought was the cat's pajama's then, but who I now think is a grade-A creeper, came up to me while I was sitting with my friends on the big patio outside. Although he's really creepy, he's also really...hot. He was talking with me and trying to get me to dance, when he started rubbing his leg up and down my ass! I seriously thought he was going to bone me right then and there. Of course I did not whore myself out, and definitely did not dance with him, or even give him the time of day. I just kind of sat there, ignoring him while he rubbed my ass, until he went away. Haha. How awkward. It sucks, though, because I never get ANY attention from guys whatsoever, and although I respect myself enough not to be a man-whore, I'm not made out of stone. I still need to be touched every once in a while. So I kind of enjoyed the attention, and kind of wanted more of it, and I kind of think I would have gotten funky with him if my friends weren't all sitting right there. Gah. I need me some man! As usual....