I want to cry

bulldyke's picture

oh god oh god oh god...i want to cry and scream and just hold her until it's all over, but she won't even let me close to her and i hate it so much.

her life is so insane, trying to get money for school, and insurance, and dealing with teh fact that her mom kicked her out but is still being a bitch...

and oscar's mom (he's her ex before me; i know his mom cause she was my driving instructor) told her that i said all this really nasty stuff about her and oscar, which i never did, and now she's questioning how much she can trust me and...

i just want to cry. i never said any of that stuff, i never would. i LIKE oscar, for all that he hurt her. and she says she doesn't care, but i know that she does, but she doesn't want to deal with it right now, so i'm just left with another hole in me that i can't repair

god...i want to hold her so badly it hurts. i want to comfort her, and support her and give her everything she needs, but she won't let me. not even as her friend.

i know she's mad at me, but my apologies and denials fall on deaf ears, and i can't do anything else.

she came over for dinner, and told my parents (not me) about how insane her life is, and i wanted to cry for her, cause it hurts listening to the fear and pain in her voice that i don't think anyone else hears.

when she left for utah last march...that last time i saw her, the fear was in her eyes...but back then, she let me be there for her. now...now is now, and i know that i can't do anything but be here and be strong for her, but it doesn't feel like enough and I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

i feel so helpless when it comes to her. she's so strong and so afraid and she won't let me in.

god...i want to cry

i know that she'll come to me when she's ready...that when she can accept my caring, she'll open up again, but the waiting kills me bit by slow bit, and always is the nagging fear that she won't, that i've lost her.

i want to hold her while she cries
wipe the tears off her beautiful cheeks
whisper comfort in her ears
take the fear from her eyes

i want to cry with her
and hold her pain for her
and give her what she lacks
and simply be there for her

she's my friend, my lover
she will always be my first
she's my sunshine, my queen
and though there will be others
my heart will always love her

it hurts so much to see her go
to watch her battle her demons alone
to face the world and reap the pain
to always lose and never seem to gain

i want to hold her when she cries
wipe the tears from her beautiful cheeks
whisper comfort in her ears
and take the pain from her eyes

i'm crying. god, i hate this feeling. i want to help! that's what i do. i'm a giver. i take care of my friends, but she won't let me, and even knowing why, it hurts like hell. it feels like rejection, even though i know that's not her intent.

god, i'm so glad i'm seeing my therepist tomorrow. she'll know what to say. even wolf doesn't understand how i feel for her. she says she's using me, but she's not. i'm simply giving, and there's a difference.

i want to cry...there's so much in me that i can give to her, if only she would accept, but sometimes i doubt that day will ever come, when she can open herself to me. i know that we'll never be lovers again; i accept that. but i need to be her friend. i told her i would never leave her...she told me that she would always be leaving me, and i said i'd always be here when she returns. i meant that, in my heart and soul, but sometimes it's so hard. why does it have to be so hard for her to accept simple comfort? i know why...the world is so dirty, and her life is so fucked up. i want to kill every person who hurt her...inflict pain for everyone of her scars. they say it's unhealthy to carry so much hate inside of me, so i try not to think about it...but how can i not?

i feel a bit better, now that i've written all of this. the pain is less excrutiating. i forget, sometimes, how much she hurts me.

if anyone actually gets this far in reading this, please don't tell me to leave her. even if i could, i wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards. i promised her that i would never leave her...and i have never broken a promise. i don't make them lightly.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Don't leave her

Right now she probably needs you more than ever, but at the same time you've got to respect the decisions that she's making in her life. Both of you are two separate people with different beliefs and wants in life and if she's making some choices which she believes are best for her - you've got to let go part of your attachment.

I'm not saying not to care for her, let her know you will be there for her if she does need a helping hand. But you can't force yourself onto her, she seems rather independent and maybe she doesn't need that help (that help could make her feel guilt and worse - and it's good you're well-intentioned but in the end it's still her choice and what she will think that matters to her). Make sure you let her know you still care, and if she wants to she'll come to you when she's ready.

Splash's picture

wasn't going to tell you to leave her...

...was just going to type *HUG*

Anyway, Uncertain does have a good point. It's great that you want to be there for her, but you do have two separate lives. So remember to take care of yourself too.

<3

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

bulldyke's picture

thank you guys...youre the

thank you guys...youre the best!!!

Bulldyke
"this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart" e.e. cummings