Not spend anymore money. None. Nada. ZERO!
I've burned through too much of my monetary funds. It kind of makes me sad too, because all of those funds are from my grandparents. It was always a gift from my grandfather and grandmother. On Christmas day and on my birthday. Thanksgiving as well. I always looked forward to it. It wasn't like 5$ either, it was like 200$ from each. But that's not really important. It's the fact that it was a family tradition, and that now it's fading away. With my grandfather's death and my grandmother's illness, I don't know if it'll happen this Christmas. It makes me really sad.
Then, Maine will never ever be the same. In fact, it was the same this year. It was fucking depressing. Both of them were too ill to travel.
Then, after Maine, my grandfather was in and out of the hospital. Finally, his death was imminent. He was placed under palliative care in his home. Full morphine drip. He died after he slipped into a coma.
The thing is, I never got to say good bye to him. It wasn't even not being there. My last words were probably something like, "just a second", when he called from my father. I hate myself for that. I never had the courage to call him up and ask how he was doing or to tell him how much I love him. I hate myself so much for that.
I miss him so much. I miss his dry humor, his corny jokes. "Vegetables". He always was able to make me laugh. No more pie together.
And now I'm still crying about it, a month after his death. I'm such a fucking pussy.