Lost. I really could use some insight.

the mouse that roared's picture

I am lost and I don't know what to do. My life, if it ever was together, is falling apart. I lost my best friend of fifteen years because he's obsessed with his girlfriend and can't be bothered to keep in touch. I'm trying to move on from the horrors of my first-year drama and friends, but it's hard to make new friends all at once and I'm shy about getting close to people. Maybe I just haven't met many people I connect with. There are one or two cute girls, which is a nice change, but I'm not sure how cute and though our paths cross a tiny bit with them I certainly don't know them well. I have one friend that I'm close with, but she's hours away. I have one friend here that's great, but she's getting into another relationship again and she already has less time for me. I'm making new friends but it's hard and slow and they don't know me like my ex-best friend did, or my ex-girlfriend, or even the guy from summer camp who I almost became as close as my ex-friend with.

There is no one except my parents' shoulders to cry on. I'm sure I could cry on someone else's shoulder, but it would be awkward. Over the summer, I learned that I was liked and capable of forming close, valuable relationships with the people around me. I came here and I lost that community, that small, insular, sometimes too-close community, and I instantly feel lonely and insecure.

I don't know where to go. This school is not making me happy, not just socially, but academically. The students here are driven, but for grades and not for learning. I don't have the appetite for learning, and I can force-feed myself grades, but I think I needed time off from academia a long time ago. I want to go to Latin America and polish my Spanish and volunteer at an NGO, live for cheap for a few months. I'm thinking about going to the Middle East to continue my education in Arabic but I'm not sure if I'm up for it right now. I need people around me, maybe for a long period of time, and a place to experiment with my identity and social dynamics. Maybe it would be good for me to be more independent, maybe just to get out of here, but if I go to the Middle East I'd like to get credit, I'd like to be in school, and I probably just should get credits for some reason.

I like my classes, I love my jobs and roommates, I'm interested by my new acquaintances--on the outside it's OK. Except I haven't been on a date since last December, no one's asked me out and I haven't found anyone I want to ask, I've lost every one of my closest relationships, and I have no fucking clue where to go from here, where I can go that will help me grow most, be happier in the end. I recognize that I might have to be more unhappy until it gets better, but I've been unhappy my whole life. I don't fit in anywhere. I am tired.

Comments

Splash's picture

*hug*

You sound a heck of a lot like I felt in high school. I was always a misfit, too, except in the summers.

You don't sound like you're going to be happy sticking to the situation you've got.

If I may venture a few ideas?

If you want to get credit for going to the Middle East, I'd suggest looking for a study abroad program. I think sometimes those are good for college credit. I want to go on one myself once I learn a little more German.

If you just need time away, I don't see anything wrong with taking a semester off and just plunging into something else.

And if you really just don't like the school, I suppose you could transfer.

But don't stagnate in something you're not content with. It's not really worth it.

Feel free to PM me anytime, too.

*bigger hug*

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

cynical1inthecorner's picture

I'm really sorry. I can't

I'm really sorry. I can't offer much insight, but if you need someone to talk/rant to, feel free to drop me a line.

As for your situation: well, I can't offer much advice about the loneliness aspect. I have similar issues, though, so feel free to rant. If you're really not happy at school, I'd say transfer, but it sounds like it's academia in whole you're sick of. In which case maybe a year off is what you need? Though I think you shouldn't worry about getting credit, etc., and take the year to relax and find yourself. But that's just my opinion.

Feel better!