I am lost and I don't know what to do. My life, if it ever was together, is falling apart. I lost my best friend of fifteen years because he's obsessed with his girlfriend and can't be bothered to keep in touch. I'm trying to move on from the horrors of my first-year drama and friends, but it's hard to make new friends all at once and I'm shy about getting close to people. Maybe I just haven't met many people I connect with. There are one or two cute girls, which is a nice change, but I'm not sure how cute and though our paths cross a tiny bit with them I certainly don't know them well. I have one friend that I'm close with, but she's hours away. I have one friend here that's great, but she's getting into another relationship again and she already has less time for me. I'm making new friends but it's hard and slow and they don't know me like my ex-best friend did, or my ex-girlfriend, or even the guy from summer camp who I almost became as close as my ex-friend with.
There is no one except my parents' shoulders to cry on. I'm sure I could cry on someone else's shoulder, but it would be awkward. Over the summer, I learned that I was liked and capable of forming close, valuable relationships with the people around me. I came here and I lost that community, that small, insular, sometimes too-close community, and I instantly feel lonely and insecure.
I don't know where to go. This school is not making me happy, not just socially, but academically. The students here are driven, but for grades and not for learning. I don't have the appetite for learning, and I can force-feed myself grades, but I think I needed time off from academia a long time ago. I want to go to Latin America and polish my Spanish and volunteer at an NGO, live for cheap for a few months. I'm thinking about going to the Middle East to continue my education in Arabic but I'm not sure if I'm up for it right now. I need people around me, maybe for a long period of time, and a place to experiment with my identity and social dynamics. Maybe it would be good for me to be more independent, maybe just to get out of here, but if I go to the Middle East I'd like to get credit, I'd like to be in school, and I probably just should get credits for some reason.
I like my classes, I love my jobs and roommates, I'm interested by my new acquaintances--on the outside it's OK. Except I haven't been on a date since last December, no one's asked me out and I haven't found anyone I want to ask, I've lost every one of my closest relationships, and I have no fucking clue where to go from here, where I can go that will help me grow most, be happier in the end. I recognize that I might have to be more unhappy until it gets better, but I've been unhappy my whole life. I don't fit in anywhere. I am tired.