She gave him head

music is life's picture

Yup. The girl of my dreams gave a guy head. :(
I mean she 1) doesn't know I'm gay but I think she wouldn't care either way but she would question a lot of the times we've been together b/c I sorta flirt with her. 2) she's straight and thats what girls do when they like guys. 3) She's hot and I figured she was going to get with someone one day or another and I just thought it would be me. 4) I got my hopes up and shouldn't have.

Blah. This always happens. Honestly I don't know if I would be more upset if she had sex with a girl than a guy, because I've never liked a gay girl. I shouldn't even be upset because nothing was ever going to happen anyway but I still held onto the slim chance. And I still kinda hold onto it, but now if I ever do get to kiss her like I want to then I'll think about how she gave this guy head and think how some guys dick was in her mouth. I feel really stupid for thinking that because it doesn't matter if she's had sex with a guy or not etc. I don't want to know the people's I date like sexual history necassirly; just as long as I know they don't have STD's.
Ugh but she has such kissable lips and great smile and she's smart. She's a cheerleader and she totally doesn't act like the stereotypical cheerleader. Not to mention the fact that she's brunette and those are my weakness.

We are in this same group and today we got to fly in an airplane (a little one, it holds like 3 passengers) and see our houses. It was awsome. I love flying now. Its waayy better than any rollercoaster I've been on. And I drove Her home afterwards. I act casual around her, I get butterflys but its not like to the point where I don't want to talk to her. I want to be around her, I act myself. Honestly the butterflys are a big part of why I keep talking to her. I love that feeling of like floatingness, goofy smiles and just living in the moment.

I fall too hard and too easily.


jeff's picture


Seems like 1) is the only real issue. Assuming she's some bisexual waiting for an opportunity, that's your only play, no?

Otherwise, straight chicks should blow guys. But she wouldn't think of you as a sexual option if she thinks you're a straight chick that should be out blowing guys, too.

So, on some level, you can only be a spectator to events while in the closet. I understand the fantasy of the two closeted people sharing an unspoken knowing until one night, everything just happens... but there's a reason that's a fantasy. It rarely happens. (I think never, but I'll go rarely just so I can't be disproved by some exception piping up)

The other option: You lust after someone without saying anything, then you find out they're gay and found someone else to date in the interim. It's MUCH easier to write this stuff off when they're straight, but when you don't do anything, and they turn out gay/bi, it's devastating.

Of course, there's always the third option no one considers: they're gay, and not into you. I had one of those, not pleasant.

"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

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music is life's picture

Ya I hate how everyone

Ya I hate how everyone assumes I'm straight (i guess I'm not doing too much to prove otherwise though) but I assume the worst and think that they're straight.
I have my fingers crossed that she is bi-curious though.

Most of the gay books are the fantasy of 2 closeted people getting together though. But you're right that's why it is a fantasy.
And that would suck to have someone that is gay and not into, but I guess its bound to happen one day.

the_loser's picture

wow i wish i could act

wow i wish i could act casual around my crush