Okay...this is going to be long. Just warning you.
So...R and I 'went out' for about a year, which was great. We were totally in love, and other than the fact that we weren't allowed to go out (NOT because of the gay thing, thankfully, but cause her mom takes 'control freak bitch' to a whole new level), and that she wasn't here a lot, it was wonderful. She was like...everything.
Last November, she broke it off, for good reasons. Mostly, she just couldn't handle being in a relationship. And I totally understand. I mean, I missed being her girlfriend, but it was okay. We're both totally dedicated to being best friends, and somehow, it works.
Last March, she was sent off to a psychiatric boarding school, where she wasn't allowed any outside contact until she turned 18 (about a month ago). Just before she left, we had a chance to talk, and we both promised that we were still going to be friends...and we are.
About two weeks after seh got back (therefor, 2 weeks ago), she got into a car crash (totally my car...which was a piece of crap), and somehow managed to totally walk away from it with barely any injuries (scratches and bruises). FUCK!!! I've never been so freaked out in my life!
THe next day, we spent together, just watching movies and hanging out, letting her recover (her mom'd kicked her out, so she was staying with us). That night, we slept together (not our first time, but definitly the first since we'd broken up). It was amazing. Like, way better than the other times. Okay, I won't go into details, but it was really great.
We talked a few days later (I'd had to go out of town for my aunts' FREAKIN AWESOME wedding), and neither of us want to be in a relationship (with each other or with others), and we're both totally okay with what happened, even though we agreed it probably wouldn't again.
So...is it wrong to be horribly attracted to your best friend/ex-girlfriend, but not want to be anything more than friends? I mean, when I write it out like that, it doesn't seem so bad, but in my head... It just doesn't seem right. And I am. Totally attracted to her. She's so beautiful. And sexy. God! Just being around her is like being drunk. And I know that sometimes she feels the same. A few nights ago, we were saying goodbye, and we almost kissed. I want her so much, and I can't have her, and it's driving me insane!!!
And no, I can't just stop being her friend. She's had an awful life (foster care, abuse...the whole nine yards), and (as a friend) I still love her. I care about her, and I won't abandon her like so many other people have. Even if that all weren't true, she's my FRIEND. She's FAMILY. I'm the only person she's ever trusted, even a little. I could never turn my back on her.
But what do I do? Everytime I'm with her, I have to hold myself back with an iron grip so that I don't touch her, or...yeah, you get the idea. I hate this. I thought I was over her. I WANT to be over her. I want to be her best friend, and have tons of fun with her, and not think about making love to her every time I see her.
Oh, and the best part? She knows. She knows everything that I just said about her. It's almost embarassing, cause she just accepts it. She doesn't judge, or run, or take advantage. She just accepts me for who I am, and I feel so...inadequate. I hate my body.
Okay...I think that's the end of my rant. For now.