thinks's picture

I just typed like a page and for God knows what reason a link got clicked so I went back and all that I have typed was gone :S

I haven't been ignoring you guys, it’s just that I believe everything I have to say is so typical that there really is no need to say it. That I should just keep everything pinned inside me because it’s all so hopelessly typically atypical that I should just suffer with it by myself. I do talk with relatives and what not but it never seems to help. I always feel something is wrong in some way. A lot of the times everything just seems so pointless. I don’t know why I wake up some days.

I suppose I’ll take some time to throw some feelings out here.

I don’t know how gay I am, and I believe there’s this guy who wants to “do stuff” with me on a totally non-committed level. He says that he’s available to do stuff if I want to but when I tell him I want it to mean something, cause it wouldn’t mean anything if I did it with him, he simply says that he used to think that way too. I’m not attracted to the guy in any way and he’s more of a, how do I label it, “total gay.” He’s one of those types of sexuality that simply is, there is no other way, comprehension of something else is not an option. He’s pretty much blatant about everything, and sometimes it’s stupid and pointless and just not worth the degree of effort he makes it. He’s also of a different religion, which affects a lot of his beliefs about things.

I told him that I wanted to watch a movie with him, cause I like him I do, I just don’t feel an ounce of sexual attraction towards him. Then I went and bought a dildo, out of impulse. Actually I’ve been meaning to try the fake deal before the real deal for some time I’d just never grown balls any bigger than my already small ones until that night. I tried it out, God it hurt like hell shoving that thing in there and then when I finally reinserted it (cause it hurt so much the first time I had to pull it out) it took but like two minutes to reach climax. For all the mess and pain I just didn’t think it was worth it.

So I was telling this guy about how I bought a dildo (before I used it) and he brought up FOR THE SECOND TIME that he was available and wouldn’t mind if I filled his, as he calls it, “friends with benefits,” title. For those who don’t know, that’s simply someone you can fuck around with for simple fucks sake, which is not what I’m about.

I didn’t exactly tell him this, cause I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but it wasn’t reassuring after all I’d said regarding my feelings for sex that at the end of our phone call he said “well just think about what I’ve told you.” Like my mind is going to change. He seems kind of desperate. I don’t even know if I want to watch that movie with him now. When I called him to mention the dildo he was caught off guard and thought I was going to ask another question, one he never revealed before he went on about him being available for coital experimentation.

Regarding my sexuality, I like to look at guys I do it all the time. I find them beautiful, most of them anyway, lol. The thing is I never imagine myself having sex with a guy. It’s always another guy having sex with another guy, it’s never me. After the disappointment I’ve had with a dildo I don’t know how I could take one up the ass and that’s only one of two holes a penis fits into on the male body, so it’d be best to put both to good use.

I’m starting to think I only crave a mad type of intimacy.

School sucks. I’m in college and thinking it’s a turning into a disappointment on my part. I’m not living up to the potential I know I can have and it shows. Around every corner something is not good enough or I’ve already done something wrong.

I’m doing ok though, that’s just not good enough.

Anyway I think I’ve typed enough. Give a shout if you agree to anything I’ve said.


Azul's picture


I hate when that f'in happens! It makes me so angry! *angry face!* (The writing dealio)

And don't worry. it always hurts like hell the first time. Trust me. The first time a finger went in, I wanted to shoot someone. I barely even remember that anyway. I just remember doing it, no thought about it and remembering OUCH! Then something bigger. FUCK OUCHIES! Now it just hurts at first, but it's fine afterwards. I've never had the real deal though...

I dunt like sex without meaning... I've had it and I just can't stand it. Someone wanted to do a threesome with me (prior journals explained this dealio) and I just couldn't do it.

There's just not any boy suitable for me yet -,-