I'm wasting time.
And this is different than procrastinating.
I'm wasting time not just right now, but in life also. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't even actually feel like I can say I don't want to live a certain way anymore because I haven't been living.
I want to live.
I want to be able to breathe freely.
I want to love openly.
I'm holding myself back. And that sucks because I can't point a finger at something and blame it. It's my fault it's like this.
I've written so many journals like this. But guess what? I keep writing them because afterwards I feel better, yet I still don't take action.
Because I am a coward.
I just tried call my Mom. It's around 7pm where she lives and around 8pm where I live 12 hours away.
She didn't answer. Probably eating dinner with her Master and my Grandma.
I was going to come out to her.
I've even told T that the next time I talk to Mom I'm going to tell her I'm gay. (I've committed myself now.) But T replied I don't give a fuck. Ya I noticed you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone but yourself.
I can't tell my Dad before I tell my Mom. She'll be even more upset. My parents are divorced and act like little kids. Bastards.
(that probably doesn't make sense unless your parents are divorced or hate each other)
I'm going to tell my Mom the next time I talk to her. Hopefully tonight. I don't need her approval, just her to know.