What It Is To Burn

music is life's picture

Dear Mom,

What's my favorite color? Is it my fault or yours that you don't know it? I think it's ours. Or mine. Or yours. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about how we joke about Bob being killed. So you can be free. But was it you who really trapped yourself in a unhealthy marriage or the failing government? You know I love you, right.
I've tried for years to not be like you, but in doing so I've become you. Others tell me I'm the complete opposite, its what I strive for sometimes. But I don't feel it. Should I? I look like you. We're both left handed.
People here remember you. They ask about you. It is you who's shut yourself out, not them. But I have to agree with you, this place is full of bastards and rednecks. They gossip like no other. People know everything about you and your family. More than I do.
School's getting harder Mom. I actually have to try now. It's not as easy as it used to be. I've never told you this before, but I think you did the right thing when you went to college after you had all of us. I never realized how hard that must have been until now.

I've tried to pin-point what's seperated us. To you it is that I live over 12 hours away. But to me it's internal. Don't feel special because I distance myself from everyone, not just you.

I've taken up writing. I've written a few poems. None of which I will probably show anyone but I wrote them.

I've choked while eating a few times recently. It's scary not being able to breathe. But sometimes I, figurativly, feel suffocated. So pushed and beaten down. I know you've felt that way before. Aunt told me so. I've been to a low too. I hide it like you do. I believe that I can overcome mine one day. Hopefully soon. Do you remember when I saw your bottle of Prosac on the counter and asked what it was? And you replied that it helped you deal with me.
I fear that you will die before I get to tell you some important things. You talk about you dying a lot. You say how it wouldn't be so bad after all you've been through. I don't want you to die. I may not show it but I truly want you to live. To be alive and live. Not just float through like you do. But it's my fault that you do right? Because I moved away from you. Because I'm selfish and just like Dad. Right?

I love you so much but, you make me so angry. I refuse to let this get to me much longer. And when I begin to feel down I'll write, not hide. I am strong. Its not fair that I grew up so young but I'm making the best of it and using it to my advantage.

* Of course I'll never give this to her. Its the second one I've written. Its too mean and angry. But thats how I feel. Its contradictory too. But thats also me. Anyway, as I said that when things get shitty I'll write instead. And thats what I did.

Comments

-Ruby-'s picture

way to quote Finch...

oooh, ur so hard-core! hahah
ur situation with ur mom does sound kind of fucked up... but you know what?
all moms are fucked up, in some way. ALL of them. i mean, my mom is the MILF of the neighborhood and just because she's so pretty everyone thinks she's a perfect person and a perfect mom. but those people aren't in this family, and they don't know what fucked-up shit goes on behind closed doors.
everyone's family is fucked up in some way, and we all bitch about our families. but as long as there has been no physical/sexual/emotional abuse or neglect in ur family, and ur not under the poverty line, you should feel lucky.
and i don't see why you would classify that letter as "too mean and angry" to give to your mom. unless ur mom is over-sensitive or something. because really, the stuff u said in the letter doesn't sound particularly bad... i mean when my family has "discussions" we often say way harsher things to eachother.

music is life's picture

You're amazing for getting

You're amazing for getting that! And I'm probably more emo than hardcore right now.
Town MILF huh? Atleast she's not the village bicycle.

My mom isn't too overly sensitive, but when I tell her stuff like I wrote in the letter she gets all "i wanna die and you won't care" on me. And I don't like to hear that, what child does? And ya I'm probably more lucky than I realize but I also have reasons to be angry, some of which you mentioned.
Families are fucked up and it's good to know that mines not the only one.

-Ruby-'s picture

she's not the village bicycle...

that would be me. just kidding.
seriously though, if your mom regularly makes comments about wanting to die... that's kinda disturbing... anti-depressants may not be enough. she should probably be in regular therapy sessions, if she's not already. although nobody can make her go, she has to want to get better.

runningupthefreeway's picture

...

your very eloquent.

If she was the village bicycle at least she would be earth friendly though, eh?
I do agree with Ruby about the therapy though if your mom is serious, though.