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ShowMeLove's picture

Sometimes I wonder...
If I'm numb.
Because I don't over react to things the way everyone else does...
Or I don't react at all.

Sometimes I'm completely emotionless...
to people's feelings.
Like when someone tells me something they expect me to be surprised..
And I just stand there not surprised or anything, really.

I know I have emotions...
I can be really happy, I can laugh (and I do A LOT), and I can be sad.
The thing is that I don't get depressed...
I feel I've only been depressed for one section of my life.

That slight depressive time had to do with one person...
all the chaos and bullshit that resulted from him being around.
I've never been more unhappy then I was through those 5 or so years...
It wasn't all horrible but the last 2 or 3 years of living with him were especially rough.

I've never been as scared...
as I was on those nights when he would lash out in an "episode"
I'd be in my room with my thoughts...
I swear to god it was like a movie, a really scary one.

That's one section of my life where I did have full emotions...
I was upset, I cried, I was completely frustrated, I never knew when or if it was gonna ever end.
I've never been so pissed with someone as I was with him...
and I was frustrated as hell and pissed that my parents wouldn't just kick him out for good.

The thing is I didn't even have an outlet most of the time...
No one/no where to vent so it mostly just built up inside of me.
I had *some* music for which I'm thankful for...
The band Staind in particular became important for me.

Maybe none of this makes sense or makes a difference to anyone...
but it sure feels good to just write something out.
At some point I'd like to journalize some of what went on during those years...
Seeing as I never could while it was happening (I didn't have the internet most of the time then)