How did you feel when you came out?

perple's picture

How did you feel when you came out?

If you haven't already, what are your emotions at being closeted and/or when someone else brings up sexuality, either in a positive or negative light?

Extra Bonus Question: The rainbow flag is supposed to stand for all the different orientations and genders there are. What color are you?

pinkthoughts's picture

Coming out is always a huge

Coming out is always a huge relief for me, being closeted sucks big time because I feel silenced and angry whenever anyone is talking about sexuality. Sadly I'm not gay culture savvy enough to answer the bonus question.

"Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

jeff's picture


The rainbow flag never stood for various orientations and genders. The original eight-color rainbow flag (usually manufactured as six colors due to dye issues at the time) meant:

hot pink: sexuality
red: life
orange: healing
yellow: sunlight
green: nature
turquoise: magic/art
indigo: serenity/harmony
violet: spirit

More info here:
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook and MySpace.

railroadhighwaydreams's picture

Hmm.. I never knew

Hmm.. I never knew that.
Wicked how my colours are turquoise and violet.. and I'm a lot more artsy and dreamy than anything else
Thanks for posting that!

And to your question ^
I was relieved amazingly when I told my (gay) aunts in Vermont, and to my parents afterwards (though not as much; I was moreso extremely cautious of them, especially since they kept absolutely quiet about it for weeks afterwards)

Other than them, I haven't come out to the majority of my friends, or anyone else. And even before I was sure who I was and that sort of thing
I was never afraid to get into heated discussions and debates (performances of sorts even!) whenever someone commented negatively about "immoral or not normal" gays
I'm usually very quiet and a bit of an artsy bookworm, but I'll leave anything to make a point and let them see the other side of it.
If it's something positive, sometimes I'll join in, but I regret to say, a lot of the time I don't... I leave it mostly to whoever is speaking about it.

I dunno what to say about being closeted. I'm still be immorally wishy washy about whether I really do fancy girls (which is silly because I do).. so I'm not sure. I don't feel pressured to come out yet. I guess it's the feeling of safety as well.. considering I haven't gotten a proper reading on the kids around me on how they look at anyone who's not straight...

(i can never write short posts >.<)
"all girls are bi at heart"
"all PEOPLE are bi at heart"

Lol-taire's picture

Oh puke, I knew I hated that

Oh puke, I knew I hated that flag.

The more open I am about my sexuality the happier I've been.

The first time I told someone I thought I was gay I floated about the place for days afterwards. I've never felt lighter.

Then years laters once I told my friends I lost the sickened feeling that I was going to lose them.

Then even more years later (now) that I've started going out to gay clubs and things are very good.

Maux's picture

when i came out to my mom, i

when i came out to my mom, i actually threw up afterwords. i was SOOO nervous i could have shit myself! but, it felt really good eventually.

bonus: there should seriously be a black stripe on the rainbow flag, but since there's not, i'm either red or purple/violet.

Bisexual by nature. Absolutely fabulous by choice.

the ghost's picture

I am still in the process of

I am still in the process of coming-out. The first time I told someone I thought I was gay it was an incredible relief.I smiled to myslef everytime I thought about it for a few days afterwards. Since then I have come-out a bit more to some more friends. I haven't had a bad reaction yet really so generally I usually feel relieved.
Though I am still closeted to a large majority of my friends so I don't think I am going to feel completely relieved about the whole thing until I am finally able to be open about it.
Recently I have started hanging around some other gay people and I always feel so much happier and content with myself when I do this.

I pick red.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

perple's picture

okay. pick a color, then,

okay. pick a color, then, even if the whole color thing has nothing really to do w/ sexuality. i just need colors.

oldfoxbob's picture

Yoiu are always coming out

Its a never ending process....I came out to my mom by simply saying....
Mom...Robbs moving in with me...he is my boyfriend and lover....
She said....So tell me something I didn't already know.
It was that simple...but not every one has it that way...some get kicked out of their homes once they come out to the parents.
I have a young man ( 16 ) who is now living with me and my other half ( nonsexual ) because his step dad could not handle him being gay. They had tried to send him to one of those deprograming places but he got away and returned home. So he was tossed out in the cold so to speak. He called me and now he lives with us. He still goes to school and so on but that is another story.
For need to decide when and where to come out to family. Holidays are not the best time. After the holiday maybe...but do it in the summer not in the winter...its cold out there baby...its cold out there.
Come out to a few close friends first before family....see how that goes. What do you say to them? No one can tell you that...we can only tell you what we did and what happend.
good luck

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

Riie's picture

Well... I started by comming

Well... I started by comming out to a few friends - I was so scared to lose them, but when I finally came out, I was reliefed, and they weren't the least bit shoked... They sort of all knew,,.. And I was only 15... Half a year later I came out to my family, and they wasn't shoked either.. Well. My dad was okay with it but told me to try both a girl and a guy - as in sleep with. Gotta love my mom's comment though 'Well, you always liked girls better...' xD

I think, if ppl are okay with you coming out, all would feel relieved?

And uh... I'd like to be blue.. :D

You're all just a bunch of wanna-blessed-bees! xD

fox333's picture

I was so afraid when I came

I was so afraid when I came out to my parents that I did it over the phone. I was in shock when they said they were totally cool with it. And my boyfriend says im either hot pink or violet. I am SUCH a fem XD

"I feel like Nacy Drew in the mystery of the midlife crisis."
-Roger Bannister
The Stepford Wives

jos's picture

it was...

the first time i came out to a friend i felt really nervous and was shaky actually, and then i told her and she said it was really cool to have a gay friend and felt just so relieved and happy really really happy

then i started to tell friends and felt less nervous each time,
then i told my parents and they said they already knew and i laughed and thought "why did i do it until now?"

and now i like to think i live and out life, but it's a process

as for the flag

i go with purple

Riku's picture

Haha. Which time? I mean,

Haha. Which time?

I mean, coming out as a lesbian was kind of weird. Because I even knew then that I wasn't a lesbian. But yeah, I outwardly identified as one.

It was pretty easy to be out to the entire school as gay. But as trans, it's a little harder..

I mean, everyone knows what a lesbian is. And most people in my area are okay with that. A trans boy? Not so much. And it's frustrating because people see me as a girl that wants to be a boy rather than for what I am. And it's frustrating dealing with that. It's frustrating explaining the entire thing over and over. >_o; Especially since some people just. don't. get it.

And then I wonder why everyone thinks I'm straight. It's because I forget to come out as bi/pansexual/whatever. Because I'm so busy trying to get people to understand that I'm a boy.

And if I were a color... I'd probably be cyan. Or turquoise. Depending on my mood I guess. Possibly yellow.

GeekGirl's picture

Coming out as Trans

I've only told one person (today) of my sexual orientation and gender identity which was my best friend who's gay. I told him over facebook that I was bi. But the thing is, I'm not just transgender, or even bigender. I'm trigender. So I had to tell him that too am I'm really nervous waiting for a reply. I don't really want to tell anyone else because I'm afraid of the exact reaction that you're having.
But it felt like such a weight off my chest to tell someone. I'm getting towered telling my other bestfriend but he's nor gay so I'm nervous about his reaction.
Oh and my colours definitely purple!!

Siovampire's picture

For me...coming out at the

For me...coming out at the beginning was hard. I told my two best friends first and then told my mom. She was alright with it...but she had to leave right after I told her so that she could process things....and when I told my dad, he didn't really talk to me for about 6 weeks. But it wasn't hostile, just...confused. But yea, I hate being closeted and I only hide my sexuality when the situation really needs it. Like, if my friend's parents are really really homophobic or something, then I'll keep quiet, but it makes me angry I'm not worth it unless I shut my trap. I don't think that anyone should ever ever ever feel like that!

as for my color...well I heard that purple was the lesbian I guess that's me...if that's right...?

terrabean's picture

Purple is definitely a lesbian color!!!

Actually, I hav no clue, and I was probably the one who told you that, but if it isn't already, we can make it the lesbian color DAMMIT!!!!!


BlueChica's picture

Im still in the process of

Im still in the process of coming out. I came out today to my friends and I thought I felt lighter, and I did. I also felt really disappointed though because most of my friends blew it off or said I was doing it for attention. I did have a couple friends who realized how big of a deal it was though. I am still mainly closeted because my extended family and my brother and father all homophobic. Coming out is a really good thing and a good feeling when your friends are there for you. I guess my colors would be indigo and turqoise.

wilde_sapphire's picture

Haven't came out...

Yea I'm a coward. Sue me ;)

Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

bulldyke's picture

hey, coming out is fucking

hey, coming out is fucking terrifying....doesn't make you a coward. not at all *hug* just means you're not ready yet....and when you are, you will.

"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

dingdongduh's picture

ur not a coward.

u arent a coward. i havent come out yet either. im just not ready to reveal it to people that im gay.

jacjessen90's picture

i beleave that i would be

i beleave that i would be eather black or white colour-wise, (and i'll give you 5 pieces of 'the coin of the realm' if you can tell me why) ((hint: think light/coin))
"On with the dance! Let joy be unconfined!!" - Lord Byron

queercatholic's picture

I cry almost everytime I come out to people...

I am mainly alone in my struggle with homosexuality, I don't have any friends who would understand (I mostly have friends that are Catholic). The few people that I've come out to who ARE supportive are a HUGE help to me, JUST by being there and being supportive. I may not have a LOT of support, but I DO have it and I'm THANKFUL for it! It's SO painful to be closeted...:-( I feel as if I am deceiving myself and others...

bulldyke's picture

the first time i came out,

the first time i came out, it was an accident. i didn't know what the word 'lesbian' meant....haha, people don't believe me when i tell them that! i mean, i grew up with two lesbian aunts, right? well, they were just my aunts...i'd never heard the word 'lesbian' in my life. but....i just knew it fit, i guess. :P and it does. so it felt really good.

and then later, coming out to more feels so good. it's scary, sometimes, especially people i've known all my life, whos opinions i really care about. but for the most part, i don't give a rip what people think about me, so it's easier.

"I'm kissing you through the bars of this rhyme/When Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime/Ah, Juliet" ~Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

Izy's picture

When I came out as trans I

When I came out as trans I felt scared. I was afraid Mom wouldn't accept it was well as she did me liking girls. She just laughed at me and bought me a slushy.
I feel this rush of happiness when I come out and people are confused that I am trans. I have gotten introduced as trans and the people confuse it and ask when I would start Estorgene XD It makes me happy when they assume I am full male.

Rachel_Girl's picture

I'm in the process still and

I'm in the process still and each time I tell someone it is absolutely terrifying. When my friends respond in the easy going way they all have I just give this sigh of relief and it's like. Woah. I can be me. It's like flying for a bit. And the more I tell people the more comfortable I become with myself because I'm allowing myself to be me, instead of taking on the negativity in the world that's pressuring me into trying to be something else. :)

Though when I'm with folks that don't know and they bring up sexuality I end up getting really uncomfortable. A few times it's ended up with me outing myself, which is really when people start talking about it that don't know that I'm bi that's all that goes through my head, I'm bi (and so and so doesn't know is an implied thought), over and over again. Last semester in my Christian Ethics and Human Sexuality class I was so scared I was going to out myself while we were "discussing" homosexuality. Some people in the class were on the line between bashing and ignorance and religious beliefs saying anything then would have ended with a quite a few people telling me I was going to hell...As it was there was one other queer girl in class that day and we just kept on shooting each other "can you believe what she just said glances" and carefully wording our arguments. There was one gay guy in the class but he skipped all the days we talked about it...

Oh, I came out to one friend on friday at lunch, and I just slipped it into the conversation and he noticed how nervous I was when I said it, and his response was just, "And..." in a dry, I would care about this why?, sort of tone. Sent me through the roof.

Right now my color is violet, but ask me again in five minutes and it will probably be different.

Love Happens

stillgotlegs's picture

I haven't told anyone

I haven't told anyone yet.
Mostly out of fear that my friends will disown me or something. My best friends are a muslim and a very strict christian. I love both of them (in a friend way obviously) and I don't know what I'd do without them... its just horrible thinking that I might loose them. So that's kindof whats holding me back.

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." -Stephen Roberts

ferrets's picture


am pretty pathetic wen i come out, i get sick, i go pale, i stuter, i letarely have started ppulling out strands of hair a few minutes before ive told someone. and ive thrown up after words....pathetic i know....ive always been high strung, and get stressed over little things(like not doing my math hw *gasp) but after wards, the symptums fade almost within minutes, so yeah it isnt that bad(unless u do accauly manage to throw up afer words, cause then your like yeah im gay....i gotta go to the bathroom*runs down the halway, holding stomach*

a ferrets is a ferret, no matter how much it seems like a weasel. if only i could say the same for people.

perple's picture

Interesting about the

Interesting about the throwing up thing.... I've just been freaked out lately about coming out because it seems like there's an "omen" or something whenever I'm about to come out to someone. Stupid, I know. Just stalling I guess. But I've come out as questioning to officially 5 people, so yeah :)

jasna's picture

I have explicitly told about

I have explicitly told about four people, including my aunt, and then when I was in a group of my friends from the GSA, someone mentioned it, but I haven't stated it since then, it's just sort of implied. like in my gsa, my friends and I talk about going to queer prom, but I never actually told most of them that i'm queer. so I guess I kinda tricked the system, somehow I am mostly out yet avoided telling people. also, my sister, before I even came out to her guessed I was bi and told all her friends.
however, when I did tell people, it felt amazing, what's more amazing though, is talking about going to this gay group, of prom in front of others, and not worrying. That is the kind of thing you get from coming out, and it's wonderful.

holahaveamuffin18's picture

uh, welll.... i've come out

uh, welll....
i've come out officially to like.. 30 people. it started with me telling/calling close friends and finally telling them, "i like girls," and then after i was thrown out of the closet last year when i (or one of my friends[i was at a sleep over and might have been a lil drunk... and i left my myspace page open]) changed my orientation on myspace (which was a dumb idea, btw. i wasn't all that ready). there was absoloute hell at school for a while, because no one was used to it and, for a little, i was the school dyke that everyone had to pick on. but, that calmed down, and now, if people ask me about it, i answer honestly. everyone at school has gotten used to it, and a few other kids have come out after me, which makes me feel awesome. i'm not out to any family yet, but i plan on changing that soon (:

& coming out was (cheesy and cliche as ever...) like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. i would get extremely nervous beforehand.. but afterwards, i was so relieved - and a few times even cried. every one of those 30(ish) that i first came out to were behind me completely for the hell that came afterwards... and i guess i'm kinda lucky. not every queer kid i know had that much support.

Sykes's picture

I felt awkward, but I always

I felt awkward, but I always do when I tell someone something weird or ask someone for something and I don't know what they're gonna say. All my tellings have gone really well tho, even to my GF lol.
"It's more addictive than pistacios... Well, have you ever eaten just one pistacio?"
- Abby from NCIS

perple's picture

I guess I'm a little off. I

I guess I'm a little off. I never really feel relieved afterwards, just shaky. I guess it's because I'm still not 100% where I fall in the spectrum. I've come out as questioning to all of the people I've come out to, so, quick question: has anyone else here come out as questioning? I've heard of some people coming out as bi even when they're questioning (not to rile up the bi people in Oasis), but I don't to mess up thereputation of bisexuals any more. Another quick question: on the first day of summer I can get a facebook page. Assuming I'm still questioning, what do I put?

jasna's picture

the only options are under

the only options are under interested in and it gives male or female, you can choose one or both. if you want to elaborate, you'll need the SGO application, which will give you a TON of options, and that will be put on your page under you groups, or next to your wall with the profile boxes.
there is a whole forum about this, see if you can find it, but a lot of people just leave the interested in part blank and just fill in their sex.

Splash's picture

I came out to, I think, two

I came out to, I think, two people as questioning during the months that I was. There's nothing the matter with that.

Also, I've left my orientation blank on Facebook (except for a couple brief stints of a day or two each) for as long as I've had one.

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

perple's picture

Thanks darlings!

Thanks darlings!

Maux's picture

when my mom didn't drive the

when my mom didn't drive the car off the side of the road...pretty relieved.

love, the Dyke of Otherworldly Happiness!

Bi the Book's picture

Evry time i come out to

Evry time i come out to another friend, it feels like we hav a better friendship. i luv all my friends, but the ones hoo no im gay r the better friends in my life.

evry time i come out again there is a little 2 lb weight lifted off my shoulders 2. only 2 lbs cause there r so many other ppl i hav yet 2 tell.

i want 2 tell more ppl tell u the truth...i fucking scared. i dont care wat other ppl think of me but when they get to the personal things...thats when i care.

for right now ill stay in the closet. its nice ans cozy in there. ill come out to more ppl...eventually.

~Why put a label on anything? A label is something to tell other people what you are and why should you care about what other people think?~

perple's picture

Interesting.... another

Interesting.... another question.... has anyone come out as questioning? I might post something on the Forum.

jeff's picture

I think...

... most people come out at a destination. Questioning is a rest stop.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

Siovampire's picture

well does "questioning"

well does "questioning" include coming out as not knowing if you're actually a boy or a girl? Because i came out as a lesbian about 3 years ago and then recently i've been having gender identity issues soooooooooo......?

jasna's picture

you can come out as

you can come out as questioning for both. but there are tons of labels for gender, genderqueer is one that is becoming more popular

perple's picture

coming out as questioning

i think it might make more sense in genderqueer issues...

perple's picture

coming out as questioning

i think it might make more sense in genderqueer issues...

perple's picture

coming out as questioning

i think it might make more sense in genderqueer issues...

perple's picture

coming out as questioning

I think it make more sense for genderqueer people....

perple's picture


How zen.... seriously, I mean this in an awesome complementary way, that is so SF bumper sticker....

mcuraddoc's picture

All Done!

There seem to be a lot of young folks here. WOW. That's great.

I came out during my last year of my undergrad. I was getting ready to go to Medical School (UC Davis), and I decided it was time. I had been dating a great guy (and still am) and I felt that my family needed to know the truth. So, before I went to Key West on vacations with him, I told my family...then left town. When I got back, nothing had changed. I was still expected to finish Med-School, still supposed to do my own laundry and not "save" it for my Mom, etc.

The one bump that I had was telling my peers once I got into my radiology residency...I had to respond to questions like "What does your wife do?" (We had matching wedding bands). I always responded "He doesn't work". That pretty much was the end of the ackwardness.

So, it wasn't a big deal for me.

I joined this site because I'm pushing 40 and I realize there is a lot of turmoil in the lives of those who are coming out (both male and female) in 2009. That is very unfortunate. I came out many, many years ago and thought thing would have been different for you all by now. Well, they're that's why I joined. Maybe someone can glean some insight from one of my posts and find what they need.



perple's picture

wow! another davisite!

wow! another davisite! fantastic. there are a crapload of us on oasis!

Izy's picture

When I came out as a lesbian

When I came out as a lesbian I was scared out of my mind and I was crying in the passenger seat while my mom was driving. She yelled at me, saying she didn't want my little brother to learn those words. I cried harder thinking she didn't want me to be gay, she didn't care.

I circled transgender on a paper that Mom needed to sign so that's how that worked. She called me when I was off at camp and asked me about it, but I was depressed and started crying so I hung up. I came out officially on the way to 7-11 on coming out day, and she said she already knew.

My dad didn't care he just wanted me to be happy and safe. My step-mom threw a fit for both liking girls and being a boy. She fought me every step of the way through any sort of transition I tried to do. She even now refuses to call me a boy, but she will call me my male name becuase Dad put his foot down. So I was not happy or safe feeling coming out to my dad or my step-mom.

Fiona Rosge's picture

ta da

Basicly I told my best friend first-who is now my ex best friend-and I don't really remember much but I know that it was the HUGE thing for months, it was basicly omg how'd you know? Do you like her? Whats your type? Differences between us since she was straight, ect ect. she was REALLY supportive about it, then I told my cousin, and that was the most confusing thing and I really don't like thinking about it but basicly shes totally fine with it now. Lets see the first time I came out to my step dad I belive I was wearing my homemade out and proud shirt, and was basicly sitting on the couch shaking but at any right he just got realy happy and said he was proud of me and the whole cherade, he told me I should tell my mom and that shed understand and I think I did that two days later. She basicly went well obviously I was never one of those people, but whatever if you like least I think thats how it went. It was really weird for a couple of weeks because I felt like she didn't really care or beleive me, but were better now. Shes really supportive about it, although the whole how open to be about it thing is really a kind of fighting ground. As far as being closeted it wasn't that hard except I felt like I was lieing all the time, which sucked. so yeah heres moi.
Come Josephine in my flying machine
Going up she goes up she goes
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam
In the air she goes there she goes
Up, up, a little bit higher
Oh, my, the moon is on fire

perple's picture

Those are pretty intense

Those are pretty intense stories. It sounds like things are going better now, but yeah, you both sound really tough to stick it all out.