I just...

Blackthenewpink's picture

I just want to write. I don't quite know how to articulate my thoughts right now. All they appear as is a jumble of misplaced words. Words only I can put in order.

At this point in time I've hit a major obstacle in the road that is my life. I'm currently a junior in high school, which only makes this obstacle even larger.The one thing I want the most is the one thing I won't allow myself. I want out. I want to be rid of this damned closet that encases me. I want to stop lying to friends. I want to live my life the way it was meant to be lived in the open, not hidden like it is. Why must I keep such a large part of me so secret? I know I don't have to, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Why does this have to make my life harder? Can't it just make it more simple? Why now do I have to undergo this constant conflict within myself? Most of me just wants to run down the halls screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay!", but the part tthat holds me back is suffocating me. Is it possible to die inside from holding in so much? If so, I'm on my death bed. I just want to break down and cry. This ordeal is killing me slowly. I'm sick of this struggle within myself.

I need to get out now or I might just lose myself entirely.
<3 Sparkles
P.S. Becka and me are going to see how it might be possible to start a GSA in Marsh Valley High School. I'll be the gay, she'll be the straight, and we'll form an alliance. What we need now is an advisor and permission.

I wrote this last night. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have no clue as for what to do about the matter. I'm just so lost right now. I wish I had a guide.