stuff

ash's picture

I've always been good at keeping stuff inside and not letting things affect me emotionally. Maybe it has to do w/my sign or stuff w/my Dad,Idk. I've always been good at detaching myself/not 'getting into' something b/c I never knew if it would last and was always left behind so to speak. Since Elem. School,I'd always have 'class friends' but we'd never talk/do anything beyond that,not even eat lunch and shit so I learned from a young age not to expect much out of friendships and just be glad I have 'something' for a while. Just be glad that I'm even being talked to you know? It was hard being in school w/my brother and sister b/c they always had friends like I wanted but just never got and it was hard not to think it's b/c it had something to do w/me.

I've had select friends throughout the years but those friendships would always fade......I've only cried like 6x and 3 of em dealt w/fam(something w/my little brother,something w/my little sister and the last w/my Mom). The other 3x have to deal w/a certain someone and I'm sure my fam. would be surprised that happened just cuz it 'never happens' unless it's fam only,you know? I mean even when I found out about my cousin Jenny being a car accident,needing to be airlifted to the hospital(which was only like 8 miles away) and then having bleeding on the brain/swelling/needing semi life threatening surgery to relieve it(not sure but it seems like it would be you know?). When I called my Mom and told her,my voice was shaky cuz I was scared but I wasn't even teary eyed(maybe cuz she's not the cousin I grew up w/ but Idk). Maybe it's cuz Tauruses can deal w/a lot of emotion/stress/pain that others can't/breakdown way before a Taurus ever would? I've always been a loner so that's also why I'd never 'get into' friendships w/new ppl as much,sure I'd like it but I wouldn't 'invest' a lot in them emotionally. I used to get teased in Intermediate(middle school for you mainlanders ha). and my Mom didn't know til about 6 mos. after was b/c I wasn't letting her know it would get to me/put on a front/hide how I was feeling.

I was good at shrugging stuff off, not letting it bother me and just replying w/anger(aka DM),not sad emotions cuz then it'd weakness/vulnerable when anger shows strong/can't break me jerk,what I still do sometimes The friends I did have in H.S.(Sheri,Maila and Phuong),yeah,sometimes I'd do stuff w/them but I wouldn't get excited cuz I knew it wouldn't always be like that the next week-month,which ended up being true now looking back. I had 2 friends in which I did stuff outside of school(Sheri and Phuong) and my Mom liked it cuz I had ACTUAL friends but they only lasted a while until they got tired of having me as a friend I guess and it just went away,they got new friends.. Same things happened w/my other friends Carly and Norma too. I've been able to use having 'my wall' up when it would come to things like that b/c it was my way to protect myself and my defensive mechanism(DM) was to not let affect me/not get into stuff that much. I only have 'my wall' up a lil now hehe.

I mean now,I have this friend James and I see him maybe 1-2x a month/next month and we talk about alil bout our lives/how classes are and sometimes we will get lunch and stuff. Same w/my friend Pat too. But I have mostly 'class friends' whom I know just wanna keep it like that which I'm fine cuz I'm expecting it already hehe. Like for Health Science,there's 2 girls and we always do groupwork together(cuz it sucks everytime having to find new members every 2 wks). and they say hi to me sometimes but that's all,you know? Or in Math,there's this other girl and we talk about how we did on hwk/the last quiz/the last test. I like keeping that boundary of just chit chat cuz I can deal/be ok w/that b/c I know not to think it could evolve past that but I'm used to it and will take what I can get hehe. My friend Kati,she only knows outside stuff about me,you know? I asked her once what does she know about me,and it was superfical kinda,like I like TV,food,music,and I'm into astrology and she's 'known' me for almost 2 yrs? Maybe that's why w/her,I've never gone into detail over fam stuff/stuffabout me in the 1st place you know? But she never asked why/said she wanted to know anways so.....God,there's some many more 'layers/so much more' to me than that shit,you know?

I get stubborn, some things affect me more than others,I get VERY protective over the people I care for/about(aka why I don't talk about them a lot sometimes),get excited/be happy over lil things,like simple things,etc. K,this ends the 'me inside' stuff hehe. I like that new Skindred song' Trouble', Disturbed's' Awaken', Trapt's' These Walls' and Shinedown's 'Second Chances'.