I meant to write this journal yesterday but never got around to it as my whole entire family was buzzing around me so I didn't get a chance to be alone. But basically, I am confused. Very confused. Because of a girl (of course).
Basically what the story is that we met a bit over a month ago. Spoke A LOT. Mostly over facebook because she isn't really supposed to go on the computer and she can't use msn without getting caught. Then a couple of weeks after we started talking, I started to like her. And I had a small feeling that she liked me too. But I didn't want to give myself hope and set my hopes high, only to be crushed. So I tried not to misinterpret our conversations, and I guess ended up ignoring the signs.
A couple of weeks later my friend (who I will call Verity) read almost half of our wall to wall conversations on Facebook. Which is like, eighteen pages or something. The next day Verity and I were talking about one conversation I had in particular with the girl (who I will call Maddie) where we were kidding around about massage oil. At one point in the conversation Maddie said "Are you sure this is appropriate? I don't want to bring all this....sexual tension into our friendship lmfao" and I thought she was telling me to back off. But Verity said that I was an idiot and that she has never even spoken to Maddie but can tell that she likes me.
So the weekend before last, Maddie came online msn and said hi to me. She asked me if I wrote in her honesty box on Facebook (which I did because I'm a coward, and thought that she didn't like me in the same way). So I was honest and said "well...yeah that might've been me". And for the rest of the conversation she was really....loving. Saying things to me like "I'm home alone babe, you should be here" and "k one day we are going to have a scary movie night and cuddle all night long" and "(myname)! It's raining! This means I need to kiss you now!". She said a few things to me in Spanish and refused to tell me what they meant saying "it's better to say in English and in person". Calling me babe/baby whenever she addressed me, stuff like that. Needless to say I was on cloud nine.
So a good three days later I get this message on Facebook that basically said (this is a super condensed version, it was really long) "All the things I said to you the other day, I meant all of them. Every word. And I really do like you. A lot. But see...I'm kinda already seeing someone else and we have a problem with distance, even though I know it isn't much. I would want to see the person I'm dating a lot you know. I really do like you, I'm so sorry. I understand if you're upset, I would be too. Ily <3 ..." She just kept repeating how sorry she was and how much she liked me and whatnot.
There was a bit more conversation back and forth. Eventually I replied with "Yeah, I am upset. I'm really upset" and she said "I'm so sorry (my name). :( Fuckkkk, I really am.. I..ughh" and it went back and forth a bit. She said how sorry she was and how she would always like me no matter who she was with and how she couldn't stop thinking about me... So I asked why didn't she tell me before she was seeing someone else and she said "Because it's recent, it's not like I have been for a while. So technically I told you right away" But yeah... I was crushed
I was in such a terrible mood for four days after that. Then she signed onto msn again this past Saturday and started being all..weird again. "I want to pack you into my suitcase and take you with me to Rochester". I told her about how I was going to a concert soon and how I would've asked her to come but it's not her kind of music to which she replied "Well yeah, I'm not really into that music but I would love to go because I would get to be with you". We also talked about how she was going to see a couple of movies alone that evening before going to a party. She kept repeating how she was going...alone. So I offered to go with her and she said "I would love that....but it's alright.." She also said "I wish you could come to this party with me, and get smashed. You wouldn't know anyone there but I would talk to you the whole time so you wouldn't get lonely".
So now I don't know what I'm feeling. Shortly before this conversation happened, I was starting to feel better. I was actually happy and not irritable for the first time in four days. Talking to her made me feel even better. But now I don't know what I'm feeling. I should be careful. I let my guard down once with her already and got hurt, it will probably happen again...
Verity says I should be super pissed at her. She asked me "Why are you being so nice when she totally screwed you over?" and the answer is...I really don't know. I think it's because it's Maddie. It's hard to be mad at her, even though I know I should be. I think I am a complete idiot for letting myself be happier after talking to her. I better not be giving myself more hope...aahh fuckk