K,can anyone tell me how the Lions' got a Thanksgiving game? Not that I'm watching it(watching Eagles game later at 5,McNabb BETTER be playing for the whole fucking game too), but still had to mention it hehe. Don't really like Guns 'N Roses 'Chinese Democracy' song but do like 'Better' and 'There was a Time' from that new album hehe(thanks,Sirius Octane,you guys ROCK!). Now I'll go back to what this entry is for hehe. Missy's here w/the baby and has been for like 3 hrs. now,the turkey's cooking,gonna do the rice/mashed potatoes/rolls/yams w/marshmellows all later within an hour til it's done or something. I'm drinking Pepsi (2/5 2 liters Missy brought cuz of the holidays,it was 88 cents each, yeah!),listening to music(was Shinedown's 'Breaking Inside' but now it's Tantric 'Fall Down')/just 'reflecting' I guess til dinner/watching TV/,trying not to miss someone but of course I do but I like knowing she's w/her fam too on this day just like me hehe(and tonight will be good).
K,here's some stuff I've been thinking(kinda always around the holidays)and good thing this is online,otherwise I wouldn't do this cuz then ppl I know(mostly fam,duh) would know I feel like this....
To my 'Dad':
Do you ever think of me?
Wondered if I'm alive or dead right now?
If I'm married or have kids?
If I turned into an alky just like you?
Wondered if I share your traits/skin color(last one is known to be true)?
Wondered if I got hurt/sick/injured/had surgeries?
Wondered if I'd ever meet a girl I could possibly come to love w/everything I am and give myself fully to her w/o hesitation/doubt that she won't return these feelings,but rather just do it so she can know and maybe feel them later(and why I think that has to be the case,when she could feel them at the same time and why can't I think that)?
How I wonder if that day will ever come(and how will it be when it does)?.........More of a 'in general thing' btw,you know?
Do you know what your leaving did to me/how it's affected me into thinking I'm not worthy of love/friendships? Like they found out what you knew all along maybe? How it takes me lots of time to let ppl in and share my feelings/thoughts(sometimes still takes a while but I am better than before,hate that it's a weakness/prob for me at times,esp.if I'm hesitant cuz of contemplating the receiver's reaction beforehand but now trying not to,instead just trying to be honest and hopefully it works out to be a good thing,and not some blow up in your face kind of thing). How I don't say 'I love you' back when my Mom/Nana or says it,but just rather a pause,'I know/yeah followed by 'me too''? Sometimes I don't say anything...
How I don't even let my Mom in like all the time when she just wants to know why I'm happy/sad? Why she only knows those feelings if it's really evident even though I try to hide it cuz I know I'll just be vague and never truly just let her all the way in?
I hate the fact that even after all that shit,I still would like to fuckin meet you(just to find out stuff,like why didn't you want me/your fam history stuff/traits stuff)and how I don't like that my other brothers/sisters have memories of their Dad/pics and stories while I just have stories. None of us 'knew' our Dads(they all left) like the other kids in school but everyone else knows/got more than I did. Although,it affects us all pretty much the same,you know? Maybe that's why if there's ppl in our lives(even just friends),we don't let the others in on that,you know? Like my Mom just found out few days(or wks.,dk) ago about Carly's and I's friendship ending when it ended 11 mos. ago? My fam: We don't talk about feelings(aka our walls are up),we don't hug,we're sarcastic w/each other sometimes. I just found out from my Mom that the reason why she's like that too is cuz of how her parents raised her(lotta bad memories there too)and the reason why she's so into Thanksgiving/Christmas now was b/c her parents never were(they didn't celebrate her bday,let alone those 2 holidays),so she always said w/her kids,it'd be different.
Do you ever think back and wonder what would've happened if you didn't walk out the door 7 mos. before I was born and never looked back?
Normally all this stuff would just get posted on my blog but uh,I'm trying to be more open here I guess(and compared to other's posts,this is pretty juvenile hehe).