A Little Bit More Calm (But Not By Much)

starsxfallxup's picture

I'm building my heart right now. For Biology. It's going pretty well so far. I have "Gray's Anatomy" as a reference. Not the show, the book. Building the heart is keeping me distracted. There isn't room to think about much else besides angling the Pulmonary Artery right and making sure the walls of the Atria aren't too thin when you're building a heart. It's actually quite fun. And that's what I need right now, a fun distraction.

F's party last night was a fun distraction as well. I got there at six thirty. There were already a few people there. We ate the most DELICIOUS food. Curry, roti, chow mein, rice with shrimp in it. My mom says I was born into the wrong nationality because my tastes in food include: Carribbean. Then we had cake. Then we played Rock Band. Then F opened her presents. Then we played more Rock Band. I absolutely love Rock Band. Especially drums, even though I'm no good at them. Vic wasn't at F's party because she was at a hockey tournament. To be honest it's probably a really good thing Vic wasn't there. Because most of the reason why I think Vic is so cute is because she reminds me of Maddie for whatever reason. And Maddie is someone I need to stop thinking about.

Maddie is... *sigh* It's safe to say that there is no one in my life who has caused me as much pain as Maddie has. I just don't know what to do about this. Where to direct what I'm feeling. It freaks me out, that someone has been the influence of my emotions so MUCH. When things were good, I was the happiest person on the planet. She made me so happy. Then the first time she... I don't even know what to call it. I guess you could say "the first time she lead me on" I was emotionless for a good week and a half afterwards. I felt nothing. A few people asked what was wrong, apparently I seemed depressed. But I didn't feel anything. Then a couple of weeks later when she... I guess you could say "expressed her interest in me again" I was thrilled. On top of the world yet again. We hung out, she was perfect. Then after we hung out she seemed different... She was distant, then stopped talking to me all together. Which brings me to today. The day I find out she has a new girlfriend.

That stupid asshole. She didn't even bother to tell me she wasn't interested anymore. She just gave me the cold shoulder. And it's not even like I bombarded her and was stalkerish. I really wasn't at all. Over the span of three weeks I tried to start a conversation with her six times. Evenly spaced out. The one time we did have an ok conversation, she was stoned. That's another thing that surprised me. When she told me she was stoned. My initial reaction was shock because she told me once before that she thought drugs were really stupid and that she would never do them. Then I was worried about her. It was only her second time smoking weed. Anyways...

I don't know what to say now. Actually I do know. I need to stop thinking about her. It hurts way too much. Like my insides are empty. Maybe I'll actually start doing some homework to keep myself busy. Mostly I read but building this heart for Biology has reminded me of how much I want to be a doctor. Actually, a Cardiothoracic surgeon. That is what I am working towards. I have a whole picture in my head of what my adult life will be like. I'll wake up early to go to work. Do some hot surgeries. And come home at a decent hour. I'll have an apartment in the city. What city I'll live in I haven't decided. I'll work a lot. I actually love hospitals, it's weird. In my picture there is a girl too. Who lives with me. She works at the hospital somewhere too so she understands the demands of my job but loves me anyways. And I love her too and we're happy.
And right now that seems so far away it's not even funny. But it's what I want more than anything in the world.


ShowMeLove's picture

Rock Band is so awesome:D I

Rock Band is so awesome:D I just got it a couple of weeks ago. I love the drums and I'm just okay at them so far. Singing is a lot fun to do as long as your parents(or any adults at all) aren't around. Guitar is still my favourite though...I guess because I'm pretty good at it because of the Guitar Hero games I played before.

That sucks that the girl is leading you on. Girls can be horrible sometimes. Your dreams of the future are nice, though. At least you've always got the future to look forward to, even when the good things feel so far away. I think about the future a lot too:)

Tomboy for life