An update that's way past due.

msquared's picture

It's been a long time since I've written an entry that hasn't been poetry/tidbits. I think I'm due.

Life is okay. That's all - okay. I'm coming out of a really bad time of my life. I was depressed for several months, and just a month ago I was contemplating suicide. School has been stressful; my family has been overbearing; I don't feel like I can connect with my friends; and god knows if I'll be able to afford the college of my dreams (pending acceptance and financial aid decisions). For a while I really hated myself, too. Not good.

I'm getting over it, though. I'm taking care of myself; making good decisions. I'm exponentially better than I was a month ago, but of course I still get occasional pangs of grief, as any normal human is bound to experience. Right now I'm feeling dejected after spending an evening with friends. Straight friends - like always. Don't get me wrong - I love straight people; my best friends are straight people - but I really need gay friends, too.

I feel left out a lot of the time around my straightsies. Around the couples, specifically. It's been well over a year since my last relationship, so I'm sure jealousy is a variable in this equation. It's so disheartening knowing that just about any straight person can find a partner more or less with minimal effort, yet here I am - an attractive and amiable whizz kid leading an interesting and unique life - without a hope of finding a mate. It's not always something I think about, but when it's this late at night, oh boy, yes.

Right now in my life I'm just trying to improve myself as much as possible - to make me feel good about myself and to prepare for the challenges that college will most definitely pose next year. I'm writing everyday, no matter what; reading without abandon; TRYING at least to exercise; learning about new areas of interest such as world history and mythology; and also building former areas of interest, such as saxophone, piano, German, Spanish, and drawing.

Keeping busy makes me feel good, so, like I said, I'm doing okay. I'm not great, since I'm still fighting some inner demons, but hey, feeling great doesn't happen all the time, so I guess I'm holding out pretty well.


bulldyke's picture

okay, i'm feeling better

okay, i'm feeling better about myself from reading that. :)

that's really awesome. i don't know you at all, but i'm really happy for you. i've been there...with the depression, and suicidal thoughts, and the inner demons...i know it's not an easy place to get out of, so i'm so happy for you that you're doing better. *hug*

keep doing what you're doing...and if you ever need someone to talk to through a rough patch (or whenever), feel free to PM me.

"tonight, i want to slit my wrists, hold the blood to god's lips and say 'taste this'" ~ Andrea Gibson, "Anything"

Maas's picture

I virtue anyone that enjoys

I virtue anyone that enjoys writing. By far, I find it the most labor intensive and complex procedures, that I know of.

I hope you get into one of the colleges of your dreams.

5thstory's picture

Straights have a lot of

Straights have a lot of 'mating' options... we have a harder time. Being single has also depressed me for a while, but I guess that's the way life is, right? Not much ado.

Good luck with college, it is a challenge, and a lot of work, but it's really rewarding and great. If you like it, it'll be one of the best experiences you'll have.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens