It's been a long time since I've written an entry that hasn't been poetry/tidbits. I think I'm due.
Life is okay. That's all - okay. I'm coming out of a really bad time of my life. I was depressed for several months, and just a month ago I was contemplating suicide. School has been stressful; my family has been overbearing; I don't feel like I can connect with my friends; and god knows if I'll be able to afford the college of my dreams (pending acceptance and financial aid decisions). For a while I really hated myself, too. Not good.
I'm getting over it, though. I'm taking care of myself; making good decisions. I'm exponentially better than I was a month ago, but of course I still get occasional pangs of grief, as any normal human is bound to experience. Right now I'm feeling dejected after spending an evening with friends. Straight friends - like always. Don't get me wrong - I love straight people; my best friends are straight people - but I really need gay friends, too.
I feel left out a lot of the time around my straightsies. Around the couples, specifically. It's been well over a year since my last relationship, so I'm sure jealousy is a variable in this equation. It's so disheartening knowing that just about any straight person can find a partner more or less with minimal effort, yet here I am - an attractive and amiable whizz kid leading an interesting and unique life - without a hope of finding a mate. It's not always something I think about, but when it's this late at night, oh boy, yes.
Right now in my life I'm just trying to improve myself as much as possible - to make me feel good about myself and to prepare for the challenges that college will most definitely pose next year. I'm writing everyday, no matter what; reading without abandon; TRYING at least to exercise; learning about new areas of interest such as world history and mythology; and also building former areas of interest, such as saxophone, piano, German, Spanish, and drawing.
Keeping busy makes me feel good, so, like I said, I'm doing okay. I'm not great, since I'm still fighting some inner demons, but hey, feeling great doesn't happen all the time, so I guess I'm holding out pretty well.