god why don't i just drop out

the mouse that roared's picture

Background: So I decided to see what would happen if I stopped calling my best friend of fifteen years. He never called me back. He was sick and dying for many of those years and our friendship, and now that he's better and I moved to college (only two hours away) he doesn't have time for me. I'm trying to get over it but the grief still stings, especially because I need someone that close in my life, someone who understands me, and yeah, he wasn't perfect, but I need that intimacy with someone and I haven't found it anywhere else really. Except for my ex-girlfriend and for this one boy I became pretty close to over the summer until I had to leave and he lost touch. And this cousin I have who hasn't called me in years. So I'm pretty lonely. I have friends, but not deep friends. Just haven't found the right friend-chemistry yet. And at college everyone is so young and immature and developing, I don't know if I'll find it here. And I'm so cynical about people and relationships after my ex-best-friend that I don't even know what to do. I'm torn apart. Trying to learn how to stick up for myself more. Trying to learn how to get what I need out of relationships while still maintaining my own sense of self and self-sufficiency.

Cue my job cooking at a co-op here. With another girl, we'll call her Darya. She just broke up with her boyfriend and her best friend (the cook from last year) graduated, and she's also feeling pretty alone and at a loss. We comfort each other. We become pretty close, though I feel a bit like it's a friendship of convenience. And I have a bit of a crush on her, though I know she'd be a mess to date right now, and I'm not in such hot shape either. Enter Liza, a girl who starts volunteering with us a lot, decides she wants to become a cook next year, starts basically becoming a third unpaid cook. They become close, start planning food shopping trips and then inviting me along (though I'm a co-head cook with Darya, and Liza's not official at all). I am jealous. I miss having one-on-one time with Darya. I'm a pretty introverted person anyway, and I want my own attention, and Darya's the one who gives it to me because we see each other twenty hours a week anyway. Liza messed all that up, though our three-person dynamic is fine and cozy anyway.

Liza hit on Darya one night, Darya said she thought it was a bad idea, I am relieved because Darya doesn't know if Liza should really work with us so much anymore and this is really what I wanted anyway. They are awkward for a while and then they mend. The other night Darya looked stressed at dinner, and I texted her later and told her she could come over and study if she wanted to (it's finals week). She said "Ok. Thanks!" back to me. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Then, later in the evening, she calls Liza while a whole bunch of us are studying and Liza says that Darya's coming over to study. Why didn't she call me? Just last week she said I'm the one she talks to these days. I haven't seen her in a few days. I just wanted to make sure she was OK, to see what was stressing her out. I mean, our friendship isn't close or perfect by any means, but it's there, and that's nice.

This other girl. Daisy, who comes and eats at our kitchen. I like her a lot, I think we could have a great close friendship. But she always calls Darya to hang out. I invited her to hang out over break and she said she didn't know when she'd be coming home, if at all, but thanks... and I just feel written off and dumped, I guess, by the people I cared about at all here. And no potential to meet new ones. Why did I even decide to stay at this school? I hate these people. They don't care about me. I was thinking about taking the job as a sous chef in a buddhist meditation center. Why don't i take that job. I might not go back to school for a while, but that job sounds better. This social scene sucks. All i want is reassurance, all i want is healing.