Help??

brendabarrett0's picture

Hi guys. I'm new to this forum =). I hope you don't mind my joining and/or possibly posting more than once...

I'm not sure, to be honest, that I'm posting on the right forum since the majority of your posts show individuals who seem comfortable with their sexuality, which is the opposite of me...

I've never really been interested in guys or dating, so...I decided to go to counseling recently to try to figure out why I didn't want to date...and finally admitted to myself that it's because I like girls. And...I'm having a REALLY hard time dealing with that. Because I don't WANT to be gay. I want to be like everyone else. I hate myself for being like this. I wish I could change it, but I don't think that I can... And it makes me feel like I'm defective... Like I'm wrong...like I'm bad. Even though I didn't mean to be like this...And I'm afraid everyone will think it is my fault. I don't feel like I had any choice at all in my sexuality, but everyone thinks that it is a choice. Which makes no sense--why would I have chosen this?

And I feel like everyone is going to hate me / reject me (and in a lot of ways, I feel like I deserve that). I know that a lot of my family members will not accept this, and I don't know if I can handle that :(.

And I'm afraid about everything that I have heard about homosexuality and religion. I know that there are religious people who are also gay...so if you could offer me your thoughts, I would appreciate it. Because I'm afraid that God will hate me because I'm gay, and I don't want Him to hate me, and I don't feel like that makes sense, because I'm the same person that I was a month ago (my counselor has at least offered me her thoughts on this, which were positive), but I would really appreciate other opinions...

All right. I'm sorry if this was long. Or if this isn't the type of post you usually get. I appreciate your responses...really, any advice that you could give me...

fox333's picture

Thats ok. its ok to have

Thats ok. its ok to have long forums. that way theres more to read :D. As for not wanting to be gay i can almost realate a tiny bit. i didn't want to be bi. i wanted to be gay. i didn't like the idea of liking guys and yet i do. thats all there is to it. have you ever read Annie on My Mind? or any other gay literature? I think that might help. Or getting to know gay people might help too. But please remember all of this advice is coming from someone who knows nothing. If you ever need to talk to anyone please don't hesitate to personal message me. I love to talk to new people.

"I feel like Nacy Drew in the mystery of the midlife crisis."
-Roger Bannister
The Stepford Wives

Mikki's picture

First things first. There is

First things first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts and/or concerns with us or anyone in general. The best way, through my experience, to get things off your chest is to vocalize or in your case, write them down. Don't worry about being different than some of the people who might read this because every one of us is an individual :)

Secondly, you are worried that you won't be accepted by God, and I understand that, but one of my very close (and very gay) friends always says this when someone is afraid that God won't accept them for being different "If God wanted everyone to be the same, why are we all different?" It works perfectly for our situations and most others as well.

I'm not uncomfortable with my sexuality, in fact I am very content with the thought that I am a lesbian, but again, each person is different and comes with their own thought process. Unhappiness is only as powerful as the urge to be unhappy. That sounded better in my head :)

Even though you may hate yourself now, chances are you will come to realize that you are a wonderful person who just happens to like girls. Other people may not understand, but before you can get their support, you should try to get your own. This is one of those cases where being selfish and taking care of yuorself may be more necessary than wondering what everyone else will think.

*Hugs* and good luck!
<3 Michaella

Neutrina's picture

Welcome! I think other

Welcome!

I think other people will surprise you. Yes, there is homophobia. We have to deal with a lot of shit. But there are also a lot of people who don't care, who will support you no matter what.

Give yourself time, also. I can distinctly remember going through several years of denial and confusion before being okay with myself.
You're not flawed. You're not defective. Keep telling yourself that.

And, as you have discovered, liking girls wasn't a choice. Wouldn't that mean that G-d made you that way? He can't hate you for being how he made you.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

jmy's picture

Welcome to Oasis. Dont

Welcome to Oasis.
Dont worry, Post as often as you want :)
Its what this place is for.

you are you.
Being gay dosnt make you bad.
It makes you unique.

Whn first coming to terms with sxuality, most people feel the way you are noe. But overtime, you will learn to accept who you are. Take time, you have your life ahead ofyou.

Yes, gay and church, they dont really sound like they mix. But its becoming mor accepted.
Your gods creation, he will always love you.

Yes there is homophobia out there, there are people who wont agree. But you will be suprised, the majority of people are accepting.

Embrace who you are.

yesac's picture

Hi!

Welcome here! This place is so inviting, and people are all so nice. Post whatever you want.

It's hard coming to terms at first, you feel like you don't know whats going on and how absolutely uncomfortable you are in your own body. But you're on your way to accepting and feeling good about yourself. I had the same experience as you. I went through the same stages of wondering why I was never that interested in dating either, until I kissed a girl quite a few years ago..and BAM, absolute epiphany.
I'm Christian...so whatever I'm doing is as my mom says "against nature and our religion". You know there are quite a few pro-gay religious communities, you could go search for it and get some support there. =)

WantsOut's picture

Oh... baby, you have it rough...

First, off, You didn't choose this. Don't worry. nobody did. And also, I am a religious Gay. I have searched and searched to find the answer, and here it is:
Jesus came to forge a new covenant between man and God. But he never once mentioned homosexuality. I find the to be my answer. Jesus was a friend to everyone. And God loves everyone. I believe this, and I hope you understand.
And you are posting on the right forum. It took me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality. But really, if you have any problems, private message me, and I will be happy to talk. I'm 13, but I know a lot. And I will love to help.

As I entered the room, I found myself filled with regret. Why am I doing this? All I know is: God can only tell me what I am searching for. I kneel and pray. Truth floods into me. I feel lonely.

the mouse that roared's picture

You're in the right place, sweetie.

I first started noticing I was into girls when I was 13, and it took me maybe two years to even find this place and then a few more months to really start coming out. I didn't feel truly comfortable in my own skin until college, and that was five years later... Acceptance is a very gradual thing. I loved having Oasis around just to read about others' experiences, gradually get comfortable enough with myself to accept myself before I faced the world.

A few helpful thoughts of note:
1.Being gay is normal. Not a majority sexual orientation, but perfectly normal and natural.
2. You are you are you are you. Gayness is a part of you; not all. At the same time, sexuality is a very important part of any person and can't be ignored forever.
3. There are plenty of well-adjusted gay Christians.

The first step, I think, is really just to accept where you are in this process. Accept the shame and self-hatred--you don't necessarily need to condone it, but you need to accept your emotions before you move on from them. I'm glad your counselor is supportive! I'm sure she can help you with this. Post on this forum a lot; it helps loads and everyone's really friendly. When you feel ready, try to meet other gay teens--not necessarily to date, but mostly just for the company. Congratulations on having made the first step on coming out to yourself! It'll take time for you to accept it, and then, at some point in the future, you will be ready to come out to others.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

the ghost's picture

Hello =]

Welcome to Oasis. You definitly came to the right place to help you deal with what you are going through right now. Don't worry post as much and as often as you want to.

You say that you aren't comfortable being gay and it's not something you want to be. It's ok to feel like that. I have felt like that, and a lot of other people on here have felt like that too. I think it is part of coming to terms with it. The best advice I can give you for dealing with it is to post in your journal about your feelings and come on here if you feel it helps you.

It helped me a lot and still does to come on and read through other peoples stories and experiences. Its good to have other people to relate to.

Congratulations on taking the first steps to being who you are. It takes courage.Good luck, and I look foward to reading some more posts from you.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

brendabarrett0's picture

Thanks...

Thanks for all of the really supportive responses. You're all very nice, which I appreciate. I guess I just "expect" that saying that I'm gay, even on a gay support forum--which makes NO sense--will result in my being rejected. Anyway, thanks for letting me know that it takes time to be okay with this. Clearly, I'm going to need a lot of time! Because I am just frustrated with myself right now. I just do NOT want to be gay. That's all I can think tonight. I want to be able to change it. And I can't. *Sigh.* :( I will take your advice and read literature / this site and maybe post on the journal on here...maybe it will help. Thank you again...

jmy's picture

It'll take time, But it'll

It'll take time, But it'll be a good thing in the end:)

Splash's picture

hey

Welcome.

I think it's totally fine to be uncomfortable with being gay at first. I've only known I'm gay for about a year, and a lot of that time has had to go to just plain trying to get used to the idea.

I'm not that good at giving advice, I don't think, but I'll pass on something a friend of mine said after I came out to her not long ago: "we all have to find love right? and so what if it comes from somewhere unconventional."

Again, welcome to Oasis, and definitely don't be afraid to post more.

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

the mouse that roared's picture

oh!

I don't know if this will be overwhelming, but:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j4t185wl-0

So cute! :P

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

Neutrina's picture

Oh. My. Gods. That is

Oh. My. Gods. That is amazing.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

gaynow's picture

...Wow, Mouse That Roared,

...Wow, Mouse That Roared, that video is........ kind of scary. And not an appropriate welcome. Especially for someone who likes girls. ::blink::

Um, anyway. Hi! Welcome to Oasis! Of course we don't "mind" you joining or posting--this is absolutely the right place for you, if you like it here. A bunch of the people on here are comfortable with their sexuality, but quite a few aren't, and any and all of us want to help anyone along the way. I mean, what better place to come to terms with your sexuality than surrounded by people who have already done it? Seriously, though, Oasis is a great place. We help each other out.

So, most of what I'm gonna say has probably already been said in this thread, but I'm going to put in my two cents anyway--

First of all, even admitting that you like the same sex is hard as fuck. It's the first step and it takes a lot of soul-searching and guts and self-awareness. Congratulations on that.

Second: there is nothing wrong with being gay. I'll repeat: NOTHING. Homosexuality isn't "the norm," but it's certainly not unnatural in any way. It's not evil or bad or unholy or anything like that. It's just who you happen to love. You should never hate yourself for loving who you love. You should never feel defective, because I promise you you're not. Homosexuality isn't your "fault," nor is it anyone else's--not your parents, your friends, the TV shows you watched when you were growing up, the liberal media, nothing like that. Anyone trying to blame you for being gay needs to deal with the facts that a), it's not your fault, it's something you were born with that you can't control, any more than you can control your eye color, and b), that there's nothing wrong with it. It's not a choice, and it's nothing bad. If someone starts giving you shit about it, come to us, because everyone here has dealt with some sort of flak for being queer, and we can give you all the right information to cite and arguments to make. That said, you'll be surprised how much better some people might react than you'd thought. Some people will be less okay with it than others, but most of them come around eventually. Anyway, that's something to deal with when you get there--the first step is accepting yourself.

I'm not religious myself, but there are definitely some religious people on here, and I know quite a few religious people who are totally fine with homosexuality, and quite a few religious gays. So there are better people to ask about this than me, but the way I see it, there's nothing incompatible about homosexuality and religion, there are just those homophobic, close-minded people who use religion as an excuse for their homophobia.

Oh wow, I wrote a lot o_O
Well, meh, there's nothing wrong with long posts here. (Just the fact that I probably repeated the whole thread... but oh well.) Hope this helped, and if you need anything, feel free to shoot me a PM. Welcome to Oasis--make yourself at home!

Oh, and... despite what Mouse That Roared's video may lead you believe, we're not all... like... flamboyant dragging gay men. That video made my head hurt...
Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

the mouse that roared's picture

No, we're not all flamboyant

No, we're not all flamboyant dragging gay men. I'm sorry, it's finals week, I'm a bit stressed and punchy, and that's the first video that came into my head. I, for example, am not a flamboyant dragging gay man. I'm actually a 75% gay woman who is kind of in the middle of the gender expression spectrum and who gets very little action at all. I prefer to wait for relationships that will be fulfilling for me than to hook up with people or have meaningless relationships, so I'm generally pretty celibate. The queer community is all over the place, in terms of how we express our genders, how sexual or non-sexual we are, how flamboyant we are... really, we are as diverse as straight people, and as hard to fit into stereotypes.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

WantsOut's picture

I am NOT A DRAGGING GAY

I am NOT A DRAGGING GAY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a dignified gay teen, and I am personally annoyed by the guys who perpetuate that steriotype.

As I entered the room, I found myself filled with regret. Why am I doing this? All I know is: God can only tell me what I am searching for. I kneel and pray. Truth floods into me. I feel lonely.

jeff's picture

So...

You're being yourself, but anyone who has a different path that sets off your internalized homophobia is just perpetuating a stereotype? Not sure how that's dignified.

---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook and MySpace.

WantsOut's picture

Point taken. I hate it when

Point taken. I hate it when I'm wrong, but point taken. Also, the "Internalized homophobia" is this: when people perpetuate said stereotype, it causes others to believe that ALL gays are like that. I see it too often at my community to be able totolerate that sort of ignorance. Pardon me, though, I should not have said what I did.
(The ignorance is from the straights, by the way, not the flambouyants.)
I'm still too young, I suppose.

Where there was once love lies now only sorrow,
where there once was hope lies now only pain.
Yet all's not lost, nay, look to the skies,
Now heaven's found in man's disguise

jeff's picture

Well...

It's always important for our side to be about acceptance in all forms. Leave any divisiveness and ignorance to others. If you're out to people and not effeminate, then you're doing your part to educate the people around you that gays come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. Of course, if you were out AND effeminate you'd still deserve the same respect and tolerance, too.

---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook and MySpace.

WantsOut's picture

Good point. Haha! learn

Good point. Haha! learn something new every day. Though this wasn't really new...

Where there was once love lies now only sorrow,
where there once was hope lies now only pain.
Yet all's not lost, nay, look to the skies,
Now heaven's found in man's disguise

WantsOut's picture

maybe dignified isn't the

maybe dignified isn't the right word.... Wgatever.

As I entered the room, I found myself filled with regret. Why am I doing this? All I know is: God can only tell me what I am searching for. I kneel and pray. Truth floods into me. I feel lonely.

the mouse that roared's picture

ok

Well, I'm sorry if I offended you. I was just trying to be lighthearted. Apparently it failed. I just assumed that it was clear the movie was over-the-top and ridiculous.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

Merric's picture

I'm gay. I'm Catholic. More

I'm gay. I'm Catholic. More and more these parts of my life are seeming irreconciliable. It's killing me.

Wow, that was a downer. But, on the other hand, God doesn't hate anyone. I think that worrying about whether God will hate you means that you have a lot more faith than most straight people.

I think the hardest part is not knowing what God really wants. How can anyone know? Why would the people who run my church know any better than I do? When it comes down to it it's individual.

hellonwheels's picture

here's my two cents.

first off, welcome to oasis. in the few years i have been on these forums...as hated by some on here for my opinions as i have become, i have seen your story sooo many times on here. sometimes it helps just to get it out there, even if you are talkiong to random people you dpn't know. many people on this site are going through the exact same thing you are, including myself. My father is a conservative redneck and he would never accept the fact that I am gay. now, i know that facing your family can be hard and the possibility of losing those you care about is there- i will lose the relationships i have more than likely w/ my cousins and my dad when i do comeout, but sometimes you just have to be true to your self and if they don't like it, they can go about their buisness.

also, as far as the religious aspect of things; Don't be ashamed. God, if such a deity exists does not hate you for who you are. if you look at most of the anti-gay scriptures in the bible, they are loosely translated and open to interpretation and much of it comes from the old testament, like leviticus, most of which in this day and age, if you believe as relevant, you are a fool. although they may have been onto something sending your wife into the woods on her period. lol

but seriously, the bible, even if taken in its literal translations, also teaches forgiveness through the father, the son and the holy spirit. so if you repent, homosexuality is no more of a sin than stealing or lust or bribery. so i wouldn't let that get you down.

as far as the whole acceptance thing goes...i'm of the same opinion you are. As a child, when my father was around, i was taught to hate gays, trannies and blacks. anything that differed from the white, christian majority. and i still kind of have those attitudes today. lol. if I honestly hadn't felt that i was a homosexual by nature, as i know I didn't choose to be gay, then i would probably be out there speaking out against it as an abomination.

I have struggled for a long time w/ this thought process myself...and found that beating myself up over it isn't really worth it. I mean, i don't think it's right for a guy to be w/ a guy and vice versa, but at the same time, i know that i didn't choose this. why would anyone in their right minds choose to be hated and discriminated against? it makes no sense.

and although it may cost you some relationships in life, if people can't accept you for who you are, they probably aren't worth it anyway. anytime you need to talk, oasis is a great place. for it. welcome again

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

the mouse that roared's picture

Really? Are you going to be

Really? Are you going to be immature about women on their periods?

Otherwise, right on. Though racism & transphobia are awful, too. Just to remember--no judging, just don't get too comfy up there in your white gay male status.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

Neutrina's picture

Well, periods are kind of

Well, periods are kind of icky. As is PMS...
Though, really, if one wanted to get away from a poor, bleeding female...wouldn't it be easier to go to the woods instead of sending the woman off? Hmm...

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

gaynow's picture

Periods are icky and PMS is

Periods are icky and PMS is frightening. I wouldn't send menstruating women off into the woods, I'd send PMSing women off into the woods. Though they'd probably just go off and sit by a rock and go "everybody hates me!" and cry. Then I'd feel bad.

...We could send them with a supply of chocolate!

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

hellonwheels's picture

immature???

are you kidding me??? how many husbands out there wish their woman was away on her period? if you ask me, in some ways those guys had it down. didn't have to deal w/ cramps, mood swings or all in all bitchiness that com3s w/ that time o' the month. lol

very humbling mouse. made me laugh. i guess i have kinda replaced barralai as the opinionated mouth off.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Neutrina's picture

Well, do remember that no

Well, do remember that no matter where we are, we have to deal with cramps, mood swings, and bitchiness. Misery loves company, eh? Besides, not our fault we get like that.

Eh, you need an attack cat to replace Barralai.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

hellonwheels's picture

lol...

true. i will never replace him...but i can try dammit!

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

the mouse that roared's picture

Yeah...

It's just a bit insensitive, no?

Also, women's emotions and opinions are delegitimized so frequently because they get periods that it's a bit of a serious stereotype.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

hellonwheels's picture

uhh, not really. no.

but then again, i guess i am a very insensitive person, sooo. yeah. if you ask me, the divorce rate would be a LOT lower if that rule were still in effect today. lol. women would get the 'me' time they always tell their men they need, and guys would get a break from their wives and or girlfriends at the bitchiest. everyone wins.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

the mouse that roared's picture

Your tone of jaded cynicism

Your tone of jaded cynicism and overgeneralization of women is, quite simply, prejudiced. You don't have the right to laugh from the sidelines just because you're a gay guy. In my experience at a women's college, final exams tend to make everyone much bitchier than their periods. Personally, I don't notice so much of an emotional change when I'm on my period. Be glad we get them. You wouldn't be here without them.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

Neutrina's picture

Hmm. You make a good point.

Hmm. You make a good point. Almost any female emotion can be marginalized to "Oh, she's PMSing".

Though I think it was like that before people considered PMS. You know, "Oh, she's just hysterical. It's a female thing"

But yeah. Good point.

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

the mouse that roared's picture

True story. In the late

True story. In the late 1800s, about 1/3 of women were treated for "hysteria" with... guess what?... vibrators! Men weren't considered responsible for their wives' sexual satisfaction, so usually women didn't reach orgasm during marital sex. So often women would just have fainting spells and get rushed to the doctor, where the early vibrators had been invented. It's a sad, sad world when women could only get sexually gratified when they were classified as mentally ill.

And then there's all of Western classical literature, starting with Clytemnestra, working through Jocasta and the Bacchae, winding through Dido... all women are naturally insane. It's how we work. Rationality is simply beyond us.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

hellonwheels's picture

lol...

good one neutrina.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Neutrina's picture

*bows* "When the people

*bows*

"When the people begin to reason, all is lost" - Voltaire

typicalmusician's picture

Latibulating (means hiding in the corner aka what I'm doing now)

I'm too lazy to read everyone else's replies, so I'm just going to write my response to your original post. :P

I understand exactly what you mean about not wanting to be gay. You know you never made the choice, and what you said echoes perfectly exactly how I felt a couple of months ago: Why would ANYONE choose this? Why do I have to like girls? Why can't I just be normal?

I think God made us all to be different, and we just have common attributes that turn into labels, which then turn into "normal"s. I feel like we're judged against our potential to be fully ourselves, and embracing who we are, realizing that this is exactly who we are meant to be, takes forever. I still wish I weren't bi often, especially when I'm around my crush (aka 7 days a week during the school year).

I don't think God hates us. Maybe he gave us the path less traveled because he thought we could handle it and we would be better people for it? Anyway, you are the same person you are last month, and God loves you during it all, as far as I see. And since you know you didn't make a choice about your sexuality, and you believe God is guiding your life, doesn't that mean He has been guiding you on this journey, and still is?
:)

And if you don't want to come out for a long time because you don't think people will accept you, that's fine. Take it on your own terms and with what you're comfortable with. I've only come out to 2 people in the world, and they're my friends (who I'm closer to than my family--also more confident that they're accepting. Anyway...)

You might have to look beyond whatever religious institution you're a part of if it's not very gay-friendly in general...I'm looking beyond Catholicism at this point--I've always been a liberal Catholic, but I think I would be better off with another faith, at least in the current climate. :P

*hugs*
If you ever want to talk, message me and I'll give you my AIM. :)