1. Today my grandmother arrived. My mom and dad went to go get her. She is living with us now. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I'm glad she's here becase A) She is an old lady, she lived alone because my grandfather died when I was in the seventh grade, she can't take care of herself very well, she isn't in very good health and B) It's just nice to know your grandparents? On the other hand it's like ugh, no because ... I really don't know. I'm not sure why. Well part of it is because if there ever was a chance of me coming out to my parents anytime soon it has... disappated? Yes, disappated. Vanished into thin air? Because I don't know how my grandmother would take this news. She is pretty religious. Considering she brought a JAR of HOLY WATER with her =\. I just don't know man.
2. Lately I've been really tempted to cut. And it's so stupid. I've cut before, months and months ago. Not a lot. But lately I've been feeling so overwhelmed. I just don't know what to do with myself. If I read I think about what I don't want to think about. If I listen to music the same thing happens. I don't have a distraction. I used to go on bike rides every single day. But I can't now because there is too much snow. The bike rides were really good because I could put all of my energy into riding. Going up hills as fast as I could. Concentrating on keeping an even pace. It was satisfying. It was a form of release. And because of the weather I don't have my release anymore until probably March. And it sucks a whole lot.
3. Wow, I miss Maddie. :( God dammit.