I Don't Even Know

starsxfallxup's picture

1. Today my grandmother arrived. My mom and dad went to go get her. She is living with us now. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I'm glad she's here becase A) She is an old lady, she lived alone because my grandfather died when I was in the seventh grade, she can't take care of herself very well, she isn't in very good health and B) It's just nice to know your grandparents? On the other hand it's like ugh, no because ... I really don't know. I'm not sure why. Well part of it is because if there ever was a chance of me coming out to my parents anytime soon it has... disappated? Yes, disappated. Vanished into thin air? Because I don't know how my grandmother would take this news. She is pretty religious. Considering she brought a JAR of HOLY WATER with her =\. I just don't know man.

2. Lately I've been really tempted to cut. And it's so stupid. I've cut before, months and months ago. Not a lot. But lately I've been feeling so overwhelmed. I just don't know what to do with myself. If I read I think about what I don't want to think about. If I listen to music the same thing happens. I don't have a distraction. I used to go on bike rides every single day. But I can't now because there is too much snow. The bike rides were really good because I could put all of my energy into riding. Going up hills as fast as I could. Concentrating on keeping an even pace. It was satisfying. It was a form of release. And because of the weather I don't have my release anymore until probably March. And it sucks a whole lot.

3. Wow, I miss Maddie. :( God dammit.

Comments

taste the rainbow's picture

I totally know how you feel

I totally know how you feel about the whole weather thing, I live in winterpeg (ie winnipeg, canada).
But then I got my license, and I started going to the gym instead, playing competitive badminton, and took up karate again =)

When it comes to cutting, and avoiding the situation in general, distractions and alternatives are definitely key. Going to the gym, keeping active, having a part time job and really getting into school this year have really been my opium. Also, in the last couple of years I really started talking to my friends, venting to them about everything. This allowed me to release a lot of my angst as well. I haven't cut at all in my uni years, grade 12 was the last time, thus far anyways!

Being stuck at home is harsh. Find a way to get out and keep active! Being trapped in your house is the worst thing, as you get bored and start to over think a lot of unnecessary things. Hang in there kido!!

crazypickle's picture

*Hugs*--I know how you feel.

*Hugs*--I know how you feel. I get that same overwhelmed, depressed feeling, and if you're stuck at home with no where to go and too much time to think about everything...I'm sure that cutting could come to mind... I know you can't go bike riding, but can you call friends and ask them if they want to hang out / make plans? Or like, Taste the Rainbow said, the gym helps me a lot too. Or even just renting a new movie or book. I've found that the more busy you make yourself, the less depressed you are allowed to feel. Anyway, I hope that you feel better. And sorry about the whole "holy water" thing--that's just...over the top!

Riku's picture

1. Well, maybe you can come

1. Well, maybe you can come out to your parents when your grandmother isn't there and hope they don't say anything to her? I don't know your situation very well, but if you can trust your parents to keep quiet then maybe. If not then, I dunno. That sucks. It's good that your grandma is getting care though. It's not good to live alone when you're old.

2. *hugs* I know what you mean by the release thing, and the winter thing, (I hate not being able to bike anywhere right now.) but you can find something else to do. Like working out at a gym or buying weights or something if you need to move around. Or even just dancing like a nut in your room. Distract yourself. Maybe you could go ice skating? Find something you can do during the winter.