I don't want to fucking be a 'dyke'!!!

Dyke of Awesomeness's picture

I'm really getting tired of C. Shes just so . . . ARGH!!!!!! Ok, so to explain the title a little more, first: I am perfectly happy to be a lesbian. That is not the question. But C uses 'dyke' like a code of honor. She is ssoooo butch, which is fine, but she sees people who aren't as less than her and its really starting to piss me off. Like what the fuck? I'm not as butch as you so I can't be a dyke? The whole reason I use that term is to take its power away, and all shes doing is changing it from an insult to usiong it as an insult in the copntext of: "She thinks shes a dyke but she so not." I fucking hate it! I shouldn't have to prove to you that I'm butch, or fem, or any of that shit. I'm don't want to be labled! Sometimes I dress fem, its true. I wear earings sometimes! What the hell is wrong with that? Just let me be myself and express myself. What the hell is wrong with you? We are like best friends one day, and then you ignore me. I'm getting really tired of you shit. I know you have issues, trust me, I know. I've only dealt with them on and off for like three years. So just stop it! I refuse to let you do what so many have failed to do. Make me ashamed of who I am. Just because I don't act exactly like you, I'm really glad I'm not. Because you're a bitch. You are horrible. You hurt everyone around you. Its crazy. I'm tired of it. Just fuck off.

My god I'm so fucking pissed!!! URGH!!! Like its all I can think about, and it makes me so mad!! Its seething under my skin, turning me into something I'm not. I want it out. Why am I so mad? Why do I hate her right now? We do this, every year, sometimes more often then that. Its great, we're friends for a few weeks, months, days take your pick, and then I do somehting to dissapoint her, or I just get tired of her, or something happens, and I end up majorly pissed. And shes being such a freak about it. Like, its really ackward because shes like, passively aggresive towards me, and like, I',m just done with her for right now, so I saw her today, and it was all like: Hi. Hi. That was like it. Hannah was there, I called her H before, but I'm going to use H for a girl I like, so now shes just Hannah. Anyway, she was there, and it was ssooo good she was. I don't know what we would have done, probably just stood there ackwardly until the bell rang or something. Well it was really nice to just rant about how much she pisses me off. Thanks, bye.

Comments

patnelsonchilds's picture

I wrote a satire piece about

I wrote a satire piece about the conformity of non-conformity back when I was in high school. Things change, but they don't change that much. People who gravitate toward stereotypes are usually insecure and need desperately to belong to something. Inventing yourself is much harder than just letting someone else do it for you. Good for you for rejecting that.

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- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Dyke of Awesomeness's picture

:D Thank you!! "Dawn must

:D Thank you!!

"Dawn must DIE!!"
Fallon, after watching 'Once More With Feeling' of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

the mouse that roared's picture

My first year of college, my

My first year of college, my next-door-neighbor was such a dyke. She knew all the gay history (she was from SF), she'd fucked girls all sorts of ways, she was dating a 32-year-old, she came to school with her head shaved. She was happy to tell us all stories about gayness. She thought she was better than all of us.

She was really biphobic. She said she'd never date a bi girl because they'd just leave her for a man, "run back to safe heteronormativity." She made me so mad! Who was she to say I was just pretending? She made me mad pretty much all the time I was friends with her, seething, ready to rip her head off, except she'd just look at me with that confident, self-assured gaze, her uber-dykiness, discredit me with her shaved-head stare.

I guess that story was just to let you know you're not alone with this ridiculous bigotry. There's no reason you can't be a less-butch dyke at all! Remember that. You're going to find it wherever you go in the community. Try to spend less time with assholes like that, and more time with people who wouldn't care if you had a crush on a pine tree. If you must interact with them, try to reinforce yourself against whatever insecurities in yourself they might be chipping away at--usually when something gets at you that badly it's entering through some uncertainty in yourself, no matter how ridiculous it is. At the end of the day, though, it's more about what you can control (your own behavior) than their own fucked-up insecurities.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin