Hate hate hate it. I have to do a Physics assignment. It has websites, you go to them, look at the waves, answer questions about the waves. But the website for the first question is failing to work, so I fail to answer the first question. The website for the second question works, but I don't understand this. So go me.
School makes me so depressed. I feel like I'm too stupid to do anything. Like a worthless pile of crap because of school. I have four courses. I'm only doing well in one of them. Barely passing in another. Failing the other two. One of the other two is math, then religion. Math is my fault. If I had done the homework from the start I wouldn't be having so many problems with it. I know it's my fault, but it still makes me depressed. Religion is bullshit. The assignments are flakey and stupid, I hate them. They're too personal. School isn't about... personal stuff, it shouldn't be. So I have done barely any of the assignments from that course because they're all bullshit and I could lie. Oh so easily I could lie. I'm amazing at making up stories, but I just can't for this course. I honestly just cannot do it. It's because it's religion and religion makes me mad. I fucking hate it so much. I wish I could just transfer out into a public school, but my mom won't let me do it. High school is just so fucked up.
And I swear I'm not stupid. I don't know what's wrong with me. Schoolwork just depresses me to no end and I feel like a failure. But in that one class that I'm doing well in, I am getting 84% and I haven't studied for one test. And it's not even like a bullshit class, it's fully Biology. And I'm getting 84 but I'm failing religion and math. Apparently I'm a good writer? My history teacher last year told me, and he doesn't give compliments. He said "you got it kid, you just need time". I don't get that.
School makes me want to cut because when I think about it, I think "damn kid, you are going nowhere in your life". And it's true. I want to be a surgeon. I want to be successful. I want to travel the world. Be someone amazing. But I won't. I won't ever get to do anything. I don't even know. I think sometimes these thoughts come into my head because of a certain person. We're friends but lately (lately as in the whole school year thus far) she makes comments. Comments about what I'm wearing, what I say, my grades. What pisses me off the most is what she says about my grades. She looks at me like I'm some kind of dumbass. I don't think I'M the dumbass in this situation. Considering I have a FULL course load, UNIVERSITY LEVEL courses. I know I'm doing crappy in them but still, considering what she is taking... god. She has fucking co-op, so she goes to school in the morning for two classes and then goes to her co-op placement in the afternoon. And her two morning classes are religion and college level math... And considering some of the courses she is taking next semester too. It's like wow you aren't one to be casting stones. And don't get me wrong here there is nothing wrong with going to college, but what you need to understand is that the courses at my school are broken down into three levels. University, college and open. University is the intense courses, heavy workload, more independant work, faster pace etc. College is lighter workload, lots of time to work in class, slower pace, essentially it's easier. Open is for anyone it's like art courses, music and stuff like that.
So this year (as corny as it is to make resolutions) I am going to try and be less fucked. I am going to try my hardest to push through everything that gets thrown at me. This month with be one of the hardest ones because exams are soon and I'll have to learn everything that I missed before exam time. But I'm going to give it a fair try. I have other ideas for this year as well. There are so many things I want to do, I just need to push myself and do them.
- Make it through the rest of this semester.
- Pass next semester with flying colours (flying rainbow colours ;)) [also it's chem, anthro, english and music; how hard can it be?]
- Get my driver's licence
- Get a motorcycle licence!
- Start running again, intensely
- Go on a trip with my dear friend, Gladys
- Compete in various races (running) throughout the summer. Hopefully make it to a half marathon by the end.
- I've always wanted to do a triathalon... why not.
- Get a job sometime really soon
- Find out more about who I am
- Go to every day of gay pride week! (this is the most important of all xD)