Things have changed for me...in a hugely fundamental way. I can't really explain without a long, involved story, but it has to do with something many of you know about - a certain...guy. Let's just say that this heretofore missing ghost returned a couple foggy nights ago, and we had some very encouraging words.
Then tonight, we had more encouraging words....encouraging words from him to me, typed on an IM screen. Three words that he had never said before. After that, a phone call, and more of the same. Two hours on the phone and a lot of talking, and a lot of those three words ka-kloping back and forth like a gentle and very friendly game of ping-pong, where no one was trying to score off the other. By the time we had hung up, life for both of us was foundationally different - we had started a new phase in our existence...not just in his or my life, but in our life together...something I know for certain now that we both want.
It's going to take time. As Jimmy Cliff sang, "We've got many rivers to cross". But a dam has given way; a wall has been torn down. No machines were used - only love, patience and pain, in equal and copious quantities, over two long years. Now we can move on to our next crossing. Hopefully it won't take so long as this one did, but if it does, I'll be ready.
For every human, I like to believe, there is one perfect person - a person whose love is able to meld and combine their soul together with yours. I think many never find these true soulmates, though they can certainly find happiness with another who loves them. If you do find yours, though, don't let anything discourage you...not even their own doubts. If they are your soul mate, you will know it, and if you're patient, loving, forgiving, and never give up on them, they will hopefuly one day realize it too, no matter what horrors the world was inflicting on them while they stood, waiting and hoping for you to come along.
I hope that you all experience this one day. I thought I had already been in love, and become jaded about love. Truthfully, I had, and I had, but as much as I did for him, he did for me by showing me that a 43 year old man could be passionately, seriously in love, while at the same time giggling and grinning foolishly like a teenager with his first crush. The other problems are still there...HIV mismatch, a man half my age, issues of family acceptance...but now we have crossed that first stream, and made our pledges to one another. We know that from now on, we will weather all the storms together, as a bonded pair, sharing one umbrealla as we dash toward the front door of our new home, and ultimately, to the warmth and coziness of our bed.
I love you so very much...my Jon, my Dark Angel. Always and Forever starts today. We're both scared now, Sunshine, but from now on, we're both in this together.
"We are the music makers, and we are
the dreamers of dreams."- Willie Wonka