The Ballad of Jon

Anonymous's picture

Okay, it's not a ballad. I just liked the title. I don't usually do this here, but my family reads my blog at times, and I'm trying to fool them into thinking I'm getting over Jon. If you're feeling prone to depression right now, I'd skip this post. It's pretty bleak throughout. I needed a place to put it all though, so here it is.

It's been another sleepless night, thinking about Jon...what happened...why he vanished without a word. At least I know he's alive now, but that just leaves me with the same questions. Was I pushing him into something he didn't want? Was he unable to accept the fact that I loved him so much just as he was? Or did he finally come to the understanding that the man who loved him so much was an HIV+, clinically depressed man twice his own age, and that was always going to be hard for people to accept...particularly his family. I don't know what it was. I may never know, and it's driving me insane. Two months ago, I was so close to being face to face and moving forward with the one man who actually "got" me, and who I thought I understood too. Now it's all gone black like a blown-out candle.

We had out first conversation on January 2, 2007. I'll never forget that date, and I'll never stop wondering what happened....and now another sleepless night has faded slowly into a hazy, grey dawn. Another oblivion pill will hopefully put me out for a few hours now, and hopefully when I wake up again, the wound will have scabbed over for a few more days, until another small jab tears it open again..

Everyone told me to put you behind me, Jon, because you obviously never cared for me. But I know that isn't true, Sunshine. Maybe you didn't love me the way I loved you...the way I'll always love you...but I know that you cared.


the ghost's picture


I'm sorry I don't have anything really to say that may make you feel better Pat, all I can do is offer to send some virtual hugs your way.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

patnelsonchilds's picture

Thanks hon. Hugs are ALWAYS

Thanks hon. Hugs are ALWAYS helpful.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"