The fucking world man...

chkz's picture

I can't seem to get a grip on my own life. Then the fact that I ave to hide being gay from them is just icing on the cake. I'm afraid I'm starting a spiral that I will never be able to get out of. I can only cover this up for so long. My panic attacks have been getting worse and more frequent. I'm closed off from people. I just need someone to talk to who wont be judging ever word I say, which seems impossible to find nowadays. The world is an ignorant and dangerous place but a place that is even more dangerous is one's own mind. You can drive yourself crazy much quicker than the rest of the world. I don't know what to do, I don't want to end up as a Bobby case, under an 18-wheeler, but god knows I may get to that point where I feel there's nothing worth living for. At this point in time, I have no desire to end my life whatsoever. I just need friends who don't stab me in the back. I trust no one, I think at this point in time, trust is a near impossible thing for me to feel. I feel as if no one knows what I'm going through. I have no one that can honestly tell me that I'M NOT ALONE and I'M NOT CRAZY.

hellonwheels's picture

shit man...

sounds like u and me got a lot in common. until about a month ago, i was totally like what you are describing. lying all the time, trust no one, paranoid, no 'real' friends that you can talk to, afraid of others, but not giving a fuck @ the same time, feeling nothing, yet not totalyy wanting to die, finding solace in activities and other thigns to get away from your thoughts,. the human mind truly is an amazing thing. having battled depression, ptsd, and insanity most of my life, i know exactly waht you are feeling. on the edge, all the time. it is ridiculous how easily fears and thoughts can drive one to madness. the mind is a really complex thing. if you want to talk to me on here, feel free to im me anytime, im almost never online, but if you want to talk, send a pm my way. i've been there man, that shit is tough.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

5thstory's picture

Trusting people is not easy,

Trusting people is not easy, and it takes a leap of faith to do it. Things may go to shit, or they may be really good once you trust someone. Just choose a person you think is trustworthy and jump! Things are bound to get better once you've people you can trust!

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

leah.persad's picture

God, why everything has to

God, why everything has to be so difficult i will never know... i am so sorry everything is so shitty chkz.

Being a teenager sucks, being a gay teenager sucks worse, and being a gay teenager in the 90% of our country that enjoys being dicks to gay people in every way possible... is horrible.

Sometimes i know it feels like so much WORK to be gay. Like everyone else just lives their lives in this fantastic ease while we have to lie to our families, sneak around at work, choose friends carefully, constantly fear violence and hated and always be assessing our own safety. Sometimes it feels like you can never just relax - there's no PLACE you know? If you tell them upfront maybe you'll end up with no friends at all, but if you hide it and then they find out later you're equally fucked... it's not the best of options, and i know it can leave me just exhausted and disgusted, wanting to retreat.

It's not an easy world to be gay in, that's no doubt. There are a lot of people who can and will hurt you just for being who you are, and there's no excusing how ludicrous and awful that is. But there is a community of people and resources who can help - surprisingly large, just in hiding. When i go looking for queer support group, youth groups, GSAs, counselors or whatever i've needed that are specifically FOR GLBT people, i've always found them, they just need a little ferreting out.

Definitely send me a private message if you want to talk further - i work as a peer youth counselor (i'm 21) for GLBT youth through a GLBT counseling center where i'm at, so i've gotten pretty ok at talking this stuff through with people who are hurting.

It's shitty. No two ways about it.

I also (as noted above) have a tons of resources i've found if you're looking for anything in your area (though if you're not out at all i understand why that may not be an option)