Catch Phrase of My Life : I Don't Know What To Do

starsxfallxup's picture

I don't know what to do with myself.
This entry should have been written over a week ago, because that is when the the subject of this entry took place.
Last thursday, not of this week of the week before, for the first time in two months Maddie talked to me. I almost had a heart attack because I thought she was never going to speak to me again. She said "ehh I know that I'm the last person you wanna hear from and apologies for not replying, but i know how you feel, eh and im sorryyy for everything." and I said "It's ok" after like five minutes of thinking because my brain just, shut down. And she said "don't say it's ok if it really isnt. like im sorry" and I said "Yeah it kind of isn't but ok." Brilliant response right.. god. Then she said "Alright, well I just wanted to clear that. cause it's been on my mind for quite some time." ...Like what does that even mean? "Ok I said sorry, we're good now"? I asked "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" and she said "becauseee i thought it would be pointless cause you were already mad" BULLSHIT. Absolute BULLSHIT. I don't understand. I said "Sometimes saying nothing is worse" and she said "Yeeah I guess so, not very good at learning from my mistakes" I don't understand. I couldn't think of anything to say for a long while then she left. Then she came back like an hour later and I said "what i wanted to say, before was i guess not and that I don't hate you or anything" WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY. I'm really retarted for saying that. That's like, letting her off the hook. But it's true... I don't hate her. I've tried to hate her and I can't hate her. She said "ohhhh alright, well I'm glad you dont...." and that was the end of the conversation and I haven't talked to her since.

I don't understand why she would wait two months to say something... she says because she thought I was mad... so what, you wait for the traditional two months, then apologize?

Ever since then I've been having messed up moods. The day after the conversation I barely had the energy to sit up straight. In music class when we were warming up I could barely blow into my instrument and it was quiet. It was like I just didn't have the air. Last saturday I went on a bike ride, then took a shower and stuff then it was four pm and I lay in bed for five hours doing nothing. The tv was on but I wasn't watching it. Then I cried, then I fell asleep. I didn't eat dinner so when I woke up on Sunday I was sick. I stayed home from school on Tuesday because when I woke up I had a huge headache and was overwhelmingly sad. Yesterday when I got home I lay on the stairs for fourty five minutes before I took my shoes off. Then for the rest of the evening I was fine but around nine o'clock I was just lying in bed with the tv on again. And I don't know what to do. I'll have times during the day where I'm perfectly fine then my mood will plummet downwards again. I don't know what to do. I don't understand. Anything. And I don't know how to feel better. This is messed up.

Comments

ferrets's picture

just.........

hope you feel better soon, just dont get any suicidel thoughts in you head. you just need time
hugs from ferrets

starsxfallxup's picture

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thank you

Lehcure's picture

:/ I'm sorry you're feeling

:/ I'm sorry you're feeling like that. It looks like you just have to figure out what you want. I mean, do you want to talk to her and stuff? or just make it all go away? idk. that was weird on her part for waiting two months, but I've done the same thing..there was really no explanation, just scared, trying to figure things out. in time, it'll get better, sure, but I think if you just say whats on your mind to her now it'll get better faster.

starsxfallxup's picture

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To be honest I really want to talk to her. I miss her a lot. But what I want and what's best for me are probably two different things. And I don't know how to say what's on my mind because I don't even know what's on my mind and what I want to happen and what I want to say. The last time I ended up being far too nice to her because I didn't want her to hate me... but she has no reason to. I wasn't in the wrong in this situation, but I feel so guilty like it was my fault. But it really wasn't at all. This is why I'm confused.

Lehcure's picture

oh. I see how you're so

oh. I see how you're so confused though...with confusion comes understanding though. so you can sit down and determine what's best for with what you want..and do that. hmm, it just sucks that what's best for you may not be what you want, and I feel for you there, it'll get better though.