Fears and dangly things

Shura's picture

Having gotten a PM from one of the members here, I started a small spiel on what was up... then hit the back button accidentally. Yay!

So I'll just write up a journal entry instead, lol.

Things to talk about are usually the things that are on the verge of change; nudges and curiousities, yanno?

I guess mine, at the moment, are...

well... it's really cool, but also kind of scary, to explore my gayboy side. I don't have a gender most of the time. I've never identified w/ a gender or considered it an issue or even was aware of the concept of gender. My name is gender-neutral, my body's never bothered me for any reason, gender-related or not. Montreal, at 18, was the first time I encountered the quest for gender as a conflict (in others). It's still not a conflict for me. It's just interesting to encounter things and see boundaries of awareness move. For communication's simplicity's sake, it's easier to put things in boxes sometimes: "gay boy mode," "genderless." I exist in a space where there are close people around me who take my word for it and take things as they are; they have no need for me to 'look like a boy' to know i feel like one at some point. I just am. Just Shura. It's fantastic, and I would assume I'm very lucky. But at the same time, I think it's in my power to create that space around me no matter where I go - and I do. :)

Wow that was a long rant.

In other news, my partner attempted to break up w/ me a while back because I'm poly and he's not and yeah... so it's a little scary, remembering how he almost left me, how I knew I couldn't do anything because I won't change myself for a partner. I am my first priority, that is the only way to grow *with* someone, not *into* them (the latter being conducive to withering...)

I think it's that loss of control; knowing the mind can't control something (i.e. I can't control my partner's choices), or letting the body experience things w/o the mind's censure (i.e. feeling something that isn't there, having it impact a sexual experience). That's when we slip in the word "scary."

Well, scary is scary... but isn't that wonderful?

<3 Shura


fox333's picture