So, I messaged this "ex friend." And she had a lot to say about how shitty I am. Which means... I probably shouldn't talk to this bitch. Also she blames being sexually abused for fucking me over, like wtf. How does that have anything to do with anything? Like seriously? Shouldn't you be a good person whether you were abused or not? I mean we all have our issues. My parents are divorced, and remarried. I've come out to all of them, and quite frankly, it's not been the most comfortable living situation after wards. My step-mom is kind of weirded out by the fact that I'm gay. Oh, well. And my step-dad, or soon to be step-dad just... idk I guess he doesn't understand because he has a book on gay teens. Where my dad just kind of outright went to therapy over the whole issue. Finally, my mom is in denial. Oh, and did I mention that between four parents, I'm still neglected?
Okay, well. Being a teenager is hard enough. And I shouldn't have to deal with her bullshit. Especially long distance. It's not like this bitch lives down the street from me. Oh, no. She doesn't. And it's like fuck, she told me to kill myself, how am I supposed to forgive someone for that? I haven't even processed it.
Anyone who knows me knows that I've been in therapy for quite some time. Actually I started going around the time of this incident because my parents were getting a divorce right then. Like fuck, I needed the person who I said was my best friend. She was my best friend for so many years. And I needed someone to cry to on the phone when my world was falling apart. I was moving (AGAIN), and about to start high school. I was so unprepared for everything.
I don't think I can forgive her, and really. Truly I want to make her pay for what she did. Not physically because I think that physical pain can be healed easily. Or relatively so. I want to hurt her emotionally. I know this makes me a bad person, but what makes it better is that I'm not going to. So... that's my remedy to that. Besides we are all going to hell.
Besides, one of my big issues with this topic is that only a handful of people know about it. I didn't even talk to my parents about it. Not that I'm close with them. But they generally know when I fight with my friends and for what reason because it doesn't happen very often (even in middle school). I mean, my therapist knows. But it's something we've talked about twice in almost four years that I've been seeing her. And they weren't very long conversations. Especially the second one.
It's something I've internalized so much. And when it comes down to it, I think it has A LOT to do with my trust issues. I don't trust that my friends will be there for me all the time. So I internalize my shit. I don't like to talk to anyone when I'm upset until I get to a point where I'm going to explode. So usually I get to that point. Cry. And then I either tell everyone bits and pieces or just my best friend everything (my current best friend who is fucking amazing) or mostly everything.
I think she should just go fuck herself. Because if she honestly thought she was going to get off the hook for this one, (which I often excused her poor behavior), then she is sorely mistaken.