Haha, made ya think!!

bulldyke's picture

so, i often say i'm much more of a man than a woman, right?

but i'm not. i am, but i'm not. i say 'man', because i have no other words, but really, i like to think that i'm both, or neither.

pat just called me a woman in a message...and (in context) it was like this huge compliment (dunno how you intended it, but that's how i took it).

i AM woman...but i'm man too. i'm over protective, i'm a provider, blah blah blah...but i have a HUGE maternal instinct, too. not to go out and have a ton of kids (i shudder at the thought of ever being pregnant), but i will fight to the death to protect anyone i love.

i'm a caring person...too caring, maybe. i hide behind walls and walls of protection, of sarcasm and caustic comments, and yes, anger.

i don't know what i am...i have no words for it. i'm man AND woman...both and neither. and i have no problem accepting that, it just...is sometimes hard to reconcile.

it's hard to find ways to describe myself. i am who i am...but i like to be able to talk about it!

male/female dualities are so...two dimensional! and i'm so much more. there's more to me than any combination of words could imply, yet i have to try.

i need someone to love me...i need someone to believe that i am a good, honest, wonderful person. i crave that. yet i always feel that i fall short. i'm merely an imperfect human being, after all.

i am a giver. i know that much. has anyone ever read The Giver, by lois lowery? that's me. i give and give, and ask for nothing in return, because i can't. but that doesn't mean i don't have needs, or wants, or desires.

that's why i love wolf so much...cause she gets that. not all the time...but when it counts, she knows that i can't ask, but she gives anyway.

i love who i am. i love being able to give so much of myself for others...i love the need to help. it's exhausting, and sometimes soul-wrenching, but i need it.

why do words matter so much? i ask myself. i don't know, but they do. words are of utmost importance to me. they are the building blocks of intelligence...the ability to communicate in a complex fashion. math is all well and good, but language implies creativity. it implies growth, and change. language is infinitely beautiful, and infinitely complicated.

BD

Comments

fox333's picture

the giver rocks!

the giver rocks!