so, i often say i'm much more of a man than a woman, right?
but i'm not. i am, but i'm not. i say 'man', because i have no other words, but really, i like to think that i'm both, or neither.
pat just called me a woman in a message...and (in context) it was like this huge compliment (dunno how you intended it, but that's how i took it).
i AM woman...but i'm man too. i'm over protective, i'm a provider, blah blah blah...but i have a HUGE maternal instinct, too. not to go out and have a ton of kids (i shudder at the thought of ever being pregnant), but i will fight to the death to protect anyone i love.
i'm a caring person...too caring, maybe. i hide behind walls and walls of protection, of sarcasm and caustic comments, and yes, anger.
i don't know what i am...i have no words for it. i'm man AND woman...both and neither. and i have no problem accepting that, it just...is sometimes hard to reconcile.
it's hard to find ways to describe myself. i am who i am...but i like to be able to talk about it!
male/female dualities are so...two dimensional! and i'm so much more. there's more to me than any combination of words could imply, yet i have to try.
i need someone to love me...i need someone to believe that i am a good, honest, wonderful person. i crave that. yet i always feel that i fall short. i'm merely an imperfect human being, after all.
i am a giver. i know that much. has anyone ever read The Giver, by lois lowery? that's me. i give and give, and ask for nothing in return, because i can't. but that doesn't mean i don't have needs, or wants, or desires.
that's why i love wolf so much...cause she gets that. not all the time...but when it counts, she knows that i can't ask, but she gives anyway.
i love who i am. i love being able to give so much of myself for others...i love the need to help. it's exhausting, and sometimes soul-wrenching, but i need it.
why do words matter so much? i ask myself. i don't know, but they do. words are of utmost importance to me. they are the building blocks of intelligence...the ability to communicate in a complex fashion. math is all well and good, but language implies creativity. it implies growth, and change. language is infinitely beautiful, and infinitely complicated.