I find myself...

bulldyke's picture

in an odd sort of place, one in which i'm not familiar.

for one thing, i have my very first job. it's beyond nervewracking. there's SO MUCH to learn...even basic stuff, and i HATE not knowing things. i just...it makes me feel icky.

and then...for the first time in so long, i'm actually afraid to come out. i don't WANT to come out, and it's so screwed up. i joke about it, bemoan it, and laugh about it, but it's scary, and i feel so weak.

i have no experience with any of this, and it makes me want to run and hide. i know it's good for me, but...

i've barely started working there, and already, i find myself unenthusiastic about the prospect. i'm not even all that proud of myself for getting the job...for motivating myself enough to actually GET something that i went looking for. i just...i hate working there already, and it seems so stupid.

i dunno...i'm trying so hard to keep an open mind. my boss is a really nice guy, and that freaks me out. i've always been mistrustful of people who are friendly, and a single guy in his early fifties who i'm alone with all day? that just seems...creepy to me.

i'm trying so hard to keep these thoughts from eating at me, but it's hard. it's all so new, and all my friends (cept wolf) have already had their first jobs, some of them years ago, and i feel so stupid talking to them about it.

it's like...i'm the strong one, the one with all the answers. and the only one i'd sorta like to ask for some advice, R, well...i just don't know how. there's this huge rift between us, and even if i was ready to completely close it, it wouldn't know where to start. and i feel like if i reach out to her, then pull back, it'll only hurt her more, and i can't do that.

so i feel so lost! i'm trying desperately to be strong, but none of it makes sense. the poem i posted yesterday, that's hanging in 20 pt. font right behind where i do most of my work!

part of me, i guess, is afraid of the unknown. i mean, my boss is fine with me going by my blatently masculine nickname, yet he seems to subscribe to such an ultra conservative point of view. and i can't find a way to balance those two out. i know he's religous, but does that have to mean that he's homophobic?

i resent feeling afraid to come out. i resent how weak i feel, how impotent. i'm lucky to have this job, and i don't want to mess it up, but how screwed up is the world when i have to think about every little thing i say, for fear of setting off my boss?

he doesn't seem like a violent man, but how would i know? in fact, he seems like a really nice guy, but i can't help but think that something...ELSE lurks beneath the surface. and that's what i'm afraid of...whether it's imaginary or not. i hate the unknown, and i can't help but get bad vibes from him.

so here i am, at 0115, writing about things that i hate. i wish i could DO something, ya know? i wish i could lash out at something, or someone, and make it RIGHT. but what could i do? i could come out to him, either blatently or subtly, simply to have it out in the open. at best, that would resolve it, invite thoughtful discussion, and i'd remain his valued employee. but what seems so much more likely is that he'll rant and rave at me, and quote the bible (yes, he has at least one copy in the shop), and possibly attack me. and even if he didn't fire me (and since i'm not under any kind of contract, legally, he can fire me at any time, with no notice), why would i want to continue working in a place that so obviously hates me?

i haven't been in the closet for years.... i mean, i don't come out as soon as i meet someone, but i also don't feel the desperate need to keep it a secret.

with N, my boss, i figure i'll do everything i can to keep it from him, but i won't lie. by omission, yes, but not blatently. i can't do that. thankfully, i'm not dependant on the job, so it won't be tragic. but still...it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth.

god, i can't wait til i can get out of here. i want to be...just somewhere else, ya know?

anyway...that's what's been going on in my mind. and, cause i'm a good little...patient? lol...i'm taking care of myself, instead of all of you, so...sorry that i haven't really been talking to anyone, or reading many journals. once i figure my own life out, i'll be back, i promise. :)

BD