Oasis. I miss writing on a blog and keeping track of my life. Or being able to have an outlet. I've just been busy and then I stumbled across my old journal and I knew that I had to fall back into it. Especially since I need help, I guess.
I lived in Baltimore because coming to college in New York. I'm about 200 miles from home and about 3 1/2 hours away from my girlfriend of 2 and a half years.
The story on her and me is long and complicated. But we've been through a lot of trials and troubles but have seemingly survived it all, even if we have a burning past (it's not that good...). But we've always just agreed that it was better to just stick out our bullshit with each other, and deal with it rather than breaking up. We both feel like we'd both come back to each other in the end.
I also hate thinking that aloud though, because it makes me feel as though I'm going to jinx my chances with her. I don't know. I guess that's just one thing I'm superstitious about.
Last semester, we survived the distance. She detests having our relationship be reliant on talking online or on the phone - because she feels like it's so unrealistic. She wants me there, she wants our relationship to be tangible. But last semester, it seemed to work out and I went home for break for about a month and we were completely fine.
I went back to school at the end of January and I was just scared. I knew things had been rocky before, and I always get really unnerved about what me leaving is going to change. And I was right. For about a week, we would just not really talk. She wouldn't really make the effort to talk to me, so we would go days. And she would justify herself by telling me that she didn't think it was necessary that we should talk all the time, and nor did she want to have to rely on the computer/her phone. And I understand that that's just how she deals with things - she isolates herself so that she can't get hurt. But the fact is, I'm the complete opposite. I hate when things don't feel right, and I do whatever is in my power to fix things when I can. But I've been trying to just deal with how she deals. At the end of january, we got in this argument and she told me that she didn't know if she was ready for this long distance relationship. So we broke up.
I had already bought tickets to come home for Valentine's day weekend, and she told me that she still wanted me to come home. So I stressed over it for two weeks - what was going to happen, if we were going to be awkward, when I was going to see her, what we were going to do, everything. We didn't really talk in this time period, and it was really hard for me. I felt like I was going crazy because I didn't know where I should stand between being angry and upset and devastated and missing her.
So I went home so that I could be sure. So I could figure something out, and be concrete in how I felt. And when I went home, we were the same as we've always been. We were fine. We were in love and we got a long and we just...we belonged together.
I'm completely in love with her. And I realized that when I went home. I realized that there's no one that I would rather be with. She knows me. She gets me. And nothing that's ever happened to this day makes me want to ever leave her out of my life. And I know that if we broke up - there's no way we could be friends. It just wouldn't work out. So we agreed when I was home that we would work on it. We would work at our relationship and deal with me being so far away.
And I just think that I'm really scared. I just want to be right about this. We've been through so many worse things (in my opinion), and have come out against all the obstacles. And I just feel like we could really make it. I love her. And I feel like that should be enough, that love should conquer all. But at the same time, I don't want to be naive.
I just want to know what I should do. She's been a little weird since I've come back to school, but I'm just trying to deal again. I understand her reservations, but I just want her to want this to work as much as I do.
Love drives me crazy.